Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

November 29, 1997
New York
I went to have my hair cut and sat in the chair beside a man who’d just gotten out of jail. The
barber asked what he’d been in for and he answered, “Aggravated assault. I had to beat up some
Italian woman because she didn’t know how to keep her mouth shut.”
I thought the barber, who was Italian, might slit the guy’s throat, but instead he just turned the TV
up.
December 20, 1997
New York
I bought a half dozen books this week on horrible diseases, some for me and some to give to
Gretchen for Christmas. My favorite picture is of a woman with horrible arthritis. Her fingers are
twisted and tapered, almost like carrots, yet her nails are beautifully manicured and painted. She’s
working with what she has. The same is true of the gum diseases viewed through lipsticked mouths.
December 26, 1997
New York
Continuing our tradition of seeing movies about black people on Christmas Day, after opening
presents, Dad, Lisa, Paul, Amy, and I went to see Jackie Brown. Last year I think it was The
Preacher’s Wife, and the year before that Waiting to Exhale. We really wanted to see Soul Food this
year, but the only screening was at nine a.m.
Afterward, over dinner, Dad mentioned a woman we used to know from church. “I saw her not
long ago, and golly, she looked just like a man,” he said. “She’s got a beard and everything, like a
bristled hog.”
When Gretchen scolded him, he said that he hadn’t meant that as an insult. “The hairs of a bristled
hog are used to craft some of the finest brushes there are, both for painting and shaving! I used to have
one, as a matter of fact.”