Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

October 1, 1981
Raleigh
Tomorrow I return to work at Mrs. Winters’s house. Last spring her porch was painted, and I’m to
scrape up the drips. She’ll likely stand over me while I do it, monitor me the way she did when I
removed her storm windows. She’ll play radio station WPJL (We Proclaim Jesus Lord) and pick,
pick, pick.
She and her husband cleaned Trailways buses for forty years, and because they’re black, I imagine
they’ve heard every insult in the book.
Tonight at the IHOP I sat next to four NC State students. One of them was planning to break up with
his girlfriend because she’d spoken to another guy. Another was short on money, and his friends
offered to cover his bill if he’d drink the entire pitcher of raspberry syrup. I was willing to add
another 50 cents if he could do it without throwing up.
I’m going through another talk-radio phase. Last night I listened to Open Line, where the guest was
Hap Hansen, the channel 28 weatherman, who explained how he lost forty pounds. Most of the calls
were from friends of his.
October 6, 1981
Raleigh
I’ve paid my rent and my phone bill, leaving me with 43 cents. In the late afternoon I went with
Mom and Dad, who are thinking of buying a rental unit on Clark Avenue, a duplex—this instead of the
beach house that was all just talk. The current tenants weren’t home, and while I was walking through
the place, almost snooping but not quite, I came across a kitten taking a nap in a red NC State beanbag
chair.
Last night on Open Line, the guests were from the Anti-Defamation League. Klan members and jerks
called, saying they’d drive the Jew carpetbaggers out of the South and back to where they came from.
I am into Open Line.
October 7, 1981
Raleigh
Lisa and I have started taking Greek classes at the church. Our teacher is Jimmy Nixon, and there
are nine students. Six of them are children, and I can’t figure out what they’re doing there. Most of
them sound excellent to me, though, really, what do I know? Class is two hours long. During the
fifteen-minute break that comes in the middle, Lisa and I ran out front to smoke. There is one full-