Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

we learned, were elves Santa had invited back for a second or third year. A woman named Marianne
told us she’d had more than her fair share of bad elves. There are various ways of being categorized
as bad. “Parents can get cranky,” Marianne said. “Children can get cranky. But an elf cannot get
cranky.”
November 14, 1990
New York
Everyone on earth knows I’m an elf. Everyone. Today I went to Feature and met a woman who was
talking to Jim and Hudson. I looked around at the show then, and heard her quietly ask, “Is the little
elf still here?”
Hudson gave me flyers for the reading next week. It starts at eight thirty, but I’m supposed to be
there by seven forty-five. I have elf training until six that day, so I will need to have my clothes laid
out.
November 20, 1990
New York
I read last night at the Kitchen. There were around eighty people there. Hugh came, and Lily. The
audience took things pretty seriously, which was disappointing. I was hoping for laughs.
November 23, 1990
New York
This was the official opening day of SantaLand and I worked for eight hours. I started the morning
at the Magic Window, then spent time as an exit elf, Santa elf, maze elf, and counter elf. The Santas
wear wool suits. They sweat and get heat rashes on their asses and knees. Most of them sit on
pillows.
I get an hour for lunch and a twenty-minute afternoon break. Today I ate in the cafeteria with a sheelf
whose husband is a female impersonator. Hmmmm.
November 25, 1990
New York
I was a photo elf yesterday when two men, both in their mid-twenties, came to visit Santa. They
didn’t want to sit on his lap or have their pictures taken. Instead, they just wanted to be sensitive.
When asked what they wanted for Christmas, one of them said, “I’d like it if some homeless people
could have a decent meal.”
His friend nodded in agreement. “Right on.”