Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

February 11, 1988
Chicago
At the end of the day Jay Roberts handed me a check and told me it just wasn’t working out.
Earlier, at lunch, the furniture repairer, Lorenzo, asked me where I live. I told him, and he asked if
there were a lot of faggots in Uptown. There were three other people in the room, and they all
laughed. Lorenzo said that faggots destroy everything because they’re perverted and only look out for
themselves. He said that they’re selfish and don’t devote themselves to family.
I asked if he had children and he said yes, why else would he work six days a week? Before I
went to Popeyes I asked if anyone wanted anything, and Lorenzo told me to bring him a woman with
big tits. He said he had one last week who almost tore his dick off. That’s how much family means to
him.
I will never walk down that block again.
February 16, 1988
Chicago
Reasons to live:
1. Christmas
2. The family beach trip
3. Writing a published book
4. Seeing my name in a magazine
5. Watching C. grow bald
6. Ronnie Ruedrich
7. Seeing Amy on TV
8. Other people’s books
9. Outliving my enemies
10. Being interviewed by Terry Gross on Fresh Air
April 5, 1988
Chicago
At the IHOP I sat behind a pregnant woman in her mid-twenties and her companion, who was in
her seventies and walked with a cane. The pregnant woman is expecting her baby on July 4 and said
she’s hoping Mike can get his shit together before then. He’s the baby’s father and also an actor. Right
now he’s playing the part of someone named John Deering. “Mike doesn’t act, he becomes,” the
pregnant woman said. She told her friend that normally that’s fine, but when he becomes John Deering
he freaks out that he’s got a baby on the way. A few weeks ago he moved out of their apartment. She
goes over to his new place and uses the computer but only when he’s at rehearsal.