Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

when he saw the woman, he said, “Doris!” He commented on her clothing and said it was fancy.
“Yes,” she said. “I decided to wear a dress for once in my life. Wonders never cease, do they,
Roy!” She raised her hand to swipe away her bangs and I saw that there was a tattoo on her forehead
as well.
July 4, 1989
Chicago
While on my bike I passed a woman walking with two young children. The little girl had a plastic
six-pack ring wrapped around one of her feet, and her mother, noticing it, shouted, “What the fuck are
you doing, bitch?”
July 20, 1989
Chicago
There was a shooting in Amy’s neighborhood last night. She and her boyfriend, Paul, heard the
shots from their living room and figured they were firecrackers until they saw a crowd gathered in
front of the house across the street. The man who lives there is very ugly and is missing a hand. In its
place he wears not a hook but a pincer that starts at the elbow and is sort of like a crab claw. Eight
police cars came. Officers led the man out of the house and started to cuff him, but then they noticed
his pincer, at which point they took him by the arm and locked him in the paddy wagon.
On All My Children, Erica is being stalked by a dwarf. For a long time they just showed a hand that
would draft ugly letters to her and turn off the local news whenever she appeared. I get the feeling I’m
supposed to know who this person is, but I’ve been watching regularly for only four years so I’m at a
loss. Meanwhile, on One Life to Live, Vicki has been shot in the stomach. Megan watched it happen
and hasn’t made a sound since. I’ll bet anything she inherited Vicki’s multiple-personality disorder.
July 21, 1989
Chicago
I was right about Megan. Vicki’s shooting triggered her latent inherited multiple-personality
disorder and turned her into someone named Ruby Brite, who likes gambling and speaks with a
Brooklyn accent.
July 25, 1989
Chicago