Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

May 2, 1993
New York
Yesterday I rode my bike across the bridge to Brooklyn. On the way back, I got a flat tire, so I was
beat by the time I returned home. This morning I looked in the mirror beside our bed and saw a whale
—a fur-bearing one—looking back at me. A very tired fur-bearing whale with a cat beside him. The
cat looked familiar.
May 12, 1993
New York
Bart and I went to Long Island City to clean the loft that was used to film a recent Marilyn
Chambers movie. The crew finished yesterday, and I went, expecting to find a lot of semen. On our
way, Bart told me that many years earlier, while working in fashion, he was sent on business to
Tucson. One thing led to another and on his second night, he wound up drunk and stranded. It was
downtown, late, and as he tried to find a cab, a car stopped and offered him a ride. The people inside
were Mexican, so he brought out all his high school Spanish, saying, “Muchas gracias” and “Su
automóvil es muy grande y bonito tambien.”
The driver passed Bart’s hotel and took him into the desert. There the group of four beat Bart
beyond recognition. They broke his nose. They held him down and kicked him in the ribs and
stomach. They drove Bart’s bloody face into the dirt, and when he ran away, he fell into a cactus. One
of the men had taken his room key, so while Bart crawled bleeding across the dark road, they went to
his hotel and stole everything. Afterward his nose was so swollen he couldn’t wear glasses. The
medical report stated his blood-alcohol level, and when his boss learned of it, he fired him.
The loft was the entire floor of a building owned by an interior decorator. A pale fellow with a
ponytail gave us a roll of paper towels, some Windex, and a spray bottle of oil soap. It wasn’t much,
but aside from two sofas and a copper bathtub, the loft was empty. I swept for an hour and a half and
then mopped for an hour and a half.
While mopping, I imagined that I was in the navy and was cleaning a battleship. When that wore
off, I pretended that this was my loft, though it lasted only a few minutes, as who wants to live in
Queens? The only thing I came across was a small triangle of fabric attached to some fishing wire. It
was smeared with makeup, so I guess it was—what, a costume?
May 20, 1993
New York
This morning Bart told me about a woman he used to clean for. “The filthiest house I’ve ever
seen,” he said.
I asked how filthy and he told me that the first time he vacuumed her carpet, he collected $38 in
change. He knew the exact amount because he kept it.