Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

February 8, 1985
Chicago
There was a man at the IHOP tonight who had on two hats at the same time. The base was a
stocking cap, and over it was a red floppy thing a woman might wear to a garden party. The waitress,
Mary, ignored the guy at first. Then she took his order but made him pay in advance. He wanted
coffee with his eggs, and when, after ten minutes or so, he still hadn’t gotten it and asked politely
when it might arrive, Mary snapped at him and said that she was busy, OK? It made me uncomfortable
to watch her be so rude.
Had she had trouble with him in the past? Did it have anything to do with his two hats?
February 16, 1985
Chicago
Tonight I saw police and an ambulance on the corner of Irving and Sheridan. There was a man
lying on the curb, facedown in the snow. Had he been hit by a car? His shirt and jacket were up above
his waist and the crack of his ass was showing. Maybe he was dead. I don’t know for certain.
February 24, 1985
Chicago
Mary at the IHOP has been on a rampage lately, throwing people out left and right. Tonight two
men walked in and she pointed to the door, saying, “Beat it!” One of the guys was thin and the other
was obese and wore a V-neck sweater that wasn’t long enough to cover his stomach. The thin fellow
wore glasses and had been thrown out before.
“You can’t discriminate against us,” he said. Then he asked for Mary’s name.
She refused to give it, and he said he knew the owners of all the IHOP restaurants in America. He
said he’d write a letter and she could kiss her job good-bye. Adios.
Mary said that would be fine by her, and when the men took a step closer, two cops seated at a
rear table intervened and told them that they had to leave.
“Yeah,” Mary said to the larger of the two men, “get the hell out of here, fatso.”
July 10, 1985
Chicago
The meal on my flight back from Raleigh was a kind of Oriental barbecue. Across the aisle were
two men who complained about having to sit in the back of the plane. They said it was unfair that the
niggers got to sit in the front. One of the men had three bourbon and waters. Before we landed, the
stewardesses used pincers to hand out hot towels that smelled like they’d been steamed in a
dishwasher.