Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

class. Most were sincere in the way I hoped they’d be, but one kid’s amounted to hate mail and was
addressed to his mother. He wrote about being shit out of her cunt. Then he reminded her that he was
not her fucking boyfriend, and on and on. Afterward no one knew what to say.
My fan letter was to Joy Williams.
September 27, 1989
Chicago
Ted called last night. “All my life I’ve been looking for Mr. Right, and here I’ve wound up with
Mr. Wong,” he said, referring to his new boyfriend, James Wong, who is from Hong Kong. Ted’s
sister, meanwhile, has started playing guitar and singing gospel songs, mainly in malls.
October 10, 1989
Chicago
I worked four different jobs this week—school, Betty, Evelyne, and Shirley—and during the last
three of them, I fantasized about moving to New York and living in the apartment of that drug dealer I
visited last June. It wasn’t huge, just a one-bedroom on the third floor facing the street. In my fantasy,
people come to visit me, but I don’t have time to see them because I’m so busy. Because of the book
I’ve had published, I am often recognized when I go out. I am very trim and lots of people call me. I
don’t know how I’d ever get the drug dealer’s apartment or, more important, the book. There’s still a
lot to work out.
October 24, 1989
Chicago
Today in class I wrote Spotlight on Love on the blackboard. Then I drew a spotlight aimed at the
words to show I meant business. “Today I’d like us to talk about breakups,” I said, rightly figuring
that everyone had a story to tell.
E. started off by talking about his hometown girlfriend, who he’d just learned had been cheating on
him.
“That’s because she’s trash,” I said, trying to make him feel better. “She’s a liar and a skunk, and
this is how she gets attention.” I said that what goes around, comes around, and in time the guy she
was seeing now would be cheating on her, just like she cheated on E.
He was glad to hear it.
Next came M. and A., who both had good stories. Then it was J.’s turn and she ran out of the room
crying.
K., a young woman who is always tardy and wears lots of makeup, said that she’s not currently
involved with anyone but is pursuing a guy who is already in a relationship.
Boo. Hussy. Troublemaker. No one came out and said this, but our attitudes conveyed it. I love