Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

August 9, 2000
La Bagotière
I called Dad last night and he said, “If you’re riding a bike I’m hoping it has a big, wide seat,
otherwise you’ll get testicular cancer like that Lance Armstrong.” I said I wouldn’t be riding a
hundred miles a day for the next twenty years, and he told me it didn’t matter. “I want you to go out
tomorrow and get yourself a nice big seat, damn it, and while you’re at it, you should have your
prostate checked.”
He said it as if the bike shop employed a full-time oncologist. We talked for about forty minutes
and toward the end he launched into his Vote Republican speech. “Don’t pull a fast one and pretend
that you know anything, because you don’t. You don’t have a clue about what’s going on in this
country, so just do me a favor and vote for Bush.”
Dad says Al Gore will tax his estate 55 percent and leave us with nothing. He refuses to die during
a Democratic administration. It’s a point of principle. He asked about this and that and when I told
him my book had been number two on the New York Times list he said, “Well, it’s nowhere near that
now. I think on the Wall Street Journal list it’s either a nine or a ten.”
I think I hurt his feelings with this book. Every time it’s mentioned he changes the subject and talks
about the Republicans.
August 10, 2000
La Bagotière
I started on the new play, knowing that what I’ve written will probably be thrown out by next
week. Whenever I have nothing to say, I wind up with two characters talking over one another. Last
night I was thinking about how I’ve always liked the supportive dialogue in Death of a Salesman.
Biff says he’ll go into the sporting-goods business and his father interrupts and says, “Sporting goods!
You’ll knock ’em dead,” or something along those lines. Every time Biff starts a sentence, his father
interrupts to encourage him, and the effect is pathetic.
August 12, 2000
La Bagotière
It’s scary, but when riding my bike I tend to think of all the people who are too lazy to exercise.
I’ve become the exact sort of person I hate. The least amount of effort makes me self-righteous and I
decide that everyone else should suffer just as I do. I’d probably be a monster if I ever quit smoking.
August 14, 2000
La Bagotière