Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

I’ll be getting rid of and a framed picture of Jesus spreading his arms as wide as they will go. There
are roach eggs everywhere, and the place stinks of pesticide.
January 17, 1984
Chicago
Because I’m basically starting from scratch, I have to take a number of core classes. These are 2-D
(basic drawing), 3-D (basic sculpture), and 4-D, which can be video or performance or whatever the
teacher, whose name is Ken Shorr, wants. Our first assignment from him is to collect overheard
sentences and shape them into a dialogue. Then we’re to find a scrap of something measuring four by
five feet and slap a word or image on it. This is right up my alley, and I’ve already started on it. My
scrap will be some of the linoleum I’ve ripped off my living-room floor.
Ken said that school is one of the few places—perhaps the only place—where we’ll find people
who are interested in what we have to say. He’s sort of a pessimist that way. Before class, I looked
him up and learned he was in the Whitney Biennial. I wanted to ask what he’d done to get there, but I
had already talked too much in 2-D and 3-D and didn’t want to exhaust everybody.
January 22, 1984
Chicago
I pulled up all the linoleum, got rid of the extra wall in the living room, and have started painting
the kitchen. Last night, after finishing the cabinets, I went to the little market around the corner for
beer and found $45 on the floor in front of the checkout counter. I thought I’d dropped it, and by the
time I discovered it wasn’t mine, I was back home. First thing today I went out and blew it. I bought:
1. two pounds of goat meat
2. more beer
3. Fires by Raymond Carver
4. the New York Review of Books
5. hardware
6. groceries
7. a magazine called Straight to Hell in which gay men recount true sexual experiences, many of
them outdoors and in cars or under bridges
February 13, 1984
Chicago
I sanded the living-room floor and put the first coat of polyurethane on it before leaving for school