Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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November 3, 1986 Chicago On the radio, someone was talking about cranes. The ones he’d studied had been taken from their mother at birth. At first they were raised by hand puppets, then later by men who were dressed like cranes. How does a man dress like a crane? I wondered. And are birds really dumb enough to fall for it? November 20, 1986 Chicago Two women got on the train this morning and commenced to beautify themselves. They both put on makeup, then one of them sprayed her hair, which was flattened down on the back and sides and stood up on the top. One strand wouldn’t cooperate, so she went at it again and again, filling that car with that terrible smell and all the while talking to her friend. November 22, 1986 Chicago Ronnie’s aunt Tessie used to take her to the Salvation Army in the Bronx and switch price tags. Tessie would pick discarded numbers off the floor of the butcher shop, saying, “Hey, what about me? I was here long before the rest of you.” Once, Ronnie and Tessie were in line at the grocery store. The kid in front of them asked his mother for some candy, and she answered, “No, it’ll ruin your appetite.” The child started crying, and Tessie butted in, saying, “So let him chew on it and then spit it out. Go ahead, give him some candy.” Eight years ago we visited her and her husband. Tessie made a big Italian dinner and later approached us, whispering, “Hey, youse don’t happen to have any marijuana, do you?” We said yes, and she asked for a joint, which she wanted to save for later. Here she was, my mother’s age! She died of a heart attack last week, and Ronnie wrote to tell me about it. November 25, 1986 Chicago I stayed up all night rewriting my new story, which is better now. At two I heated up a couple of frozen potpies and made some crescent rolls. They came in a tube, but still I formed them on the baking tray. I thought I’d take a break from typing and eat in the living room in front of the television, so I put the food on a tray and then tripped while carrying it. The potpies skidded across the floor and flipped over when they hit the baseboard. Rather than cleaning it up right away, I let Neil eat as much of it as she wanted. I just took the crust and continued on to the living room, where I watched a rerun
of The Odd Couple that guest-starred Marilyn Horne. When the show was over I went to clean up my mess and found that Neil had gotten most of it. If she were a dog, she’d have gotten all of it, but I’m happy with her as she is. November 28, 1986 Chicago Yesterday was Thanksgiving and today the Christmas season officially started. To celebrate, we went to Daley Plaza and watched them light the big tree. A speaker announced that we had several important guests. One was Ronald McDonald, and another was someone named Mistletoe Bear. The third was the mayor. It was nice watching with Lisa, who arrived on Wednesday night. Amy and I went to the airport to collect her. O’Hare was packed. We met Lisa at her gate, and as we walked her to the baggage claim, Amy did this bit where she pretends she’s super-popular. “Hey, Sandy, great haircut!” she shouted at a stranger while waving. “Jim, I’ll call you!” “Hi, Nancy. Gotta go.” “Mike, yes, this is my sister.” She has two friends in town from Raleigh, Jan and Sherri, and they joined us all for Thanksgiving. Tonight we went to a bar around the corner called Sharon’s Hillbilly Heaven, a big mistake, as the girls were all dressed up. After we walked in, an older man started talking to Lisa. He was driven off by someone much younger who had glasses on with thick lenses. I tried to step in, and the guy turned on me, saying, “Hey, back off. I was talking to the lady.” Meanwhile, Amy was cornered by a pimp named Dwayne. “You’re my little shortcake, aren’t you?” he said. He told her he knew all the ladies in Uptown and asked if she liked riding the love stick. An American Indian woman watched them talk, and as she stomped past, Dwayne called, “Hey, baby, you leaving? Don’t do it, babe, don’t go.” November 30, 1986 Chicago Yesterday in Lincoln Park a man asked us for money. “I’m a nice person, really. I’m not a bad guy, just a hungry guy. Can I have some money from you?” I rooted through my pockets for change but couldn’t find anything. As we walked on, the man shouted after us, “I thought you were nice people, but you’re not. You’re real sons of bitches. Go to hell. May you fall down where you live.” December 4, 1986 Chicago There is a deaf man with a goatee in my painting class who can’t speak and is much older than everyone else, in his late forties, maybe. His work is cheerful and surrealistic, Magritte-like trains
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Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
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Introduction Not long after decidin
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someone else, but that is something
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1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
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said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
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What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
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April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
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Ronnie was the first person I met w
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Odell After I paid my membership an
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I’ve returned all my library book
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For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
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Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
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Conversation I overheard at the IHO
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July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
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Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
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1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
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April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
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I dropped my telephone again. Now i
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first onto the floor. I was maybe t
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Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
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igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
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oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
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looded American in the class, a wom
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her three dogs in the cellar. They
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go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
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Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
Page 58 and 59: Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
Page 60 and 61: Someone has drawn a swastika on the
Page 62 and 63: April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
Page 64 and 65: Fair, and while eating they specula
Page 66 and 67: Just as I’m packing to move into
Page 68 and 69: September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
Page 70 and 71: February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
Page 72 and 73: you could just move the bed into th
Page 74 and 75: When he then walked into the other
Page 76 and 77: I went to Capital Camera this after
Page 78 and 79: 1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
Page 80 and 81: this morning. At five I returned to
Page 82 and 83: and I watched as one of the men spo
Page 84 and 85: used a plate. We talked, and he gav
Page 86 and 87: There was a long line at the Sherid
Page 88 and 89: 1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
Page 90 and 91: July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
Page 92 and 93: the start of class he said that no
Page 94 and 95: December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
Page 96 and 97: This afternoon I was hit over the h
Page 98 and 99: and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
Page 100 and 101: I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
Page 102 and 103: September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
Page 104 and 105: Chronic depression Chronically stif
Page 106 and 107: He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
Page 110 and 111: steaming over the ocean, two dolls
Page 112 and 113: 1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
Page 114 and 115: May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
Page 116 and 117: to get huffy in these situations. I
Page 118 and 119: were listening to the radio. As I p
Page 120 and 121: Mom said it was good that he didn
Page 122 and 123: December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
Page 124 and 125: time. She has only one visible toot
Page 126 and 127: February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
Page 128 and 129: Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
Page 130 and 131: I saw a man being handcuffed under
Page 132 and 133: die but didn’t have the wherewith
Page 134 and 135: wants. He examined her, her shrunke
Page 136 and 137: September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
Page 138 and 139: If any of the children in my buildi
Page 140 and 141: 1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
Page 142 and 143: I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
Page 144 and 145: filthiest mouths in Europe and are
Page 146 and 147: March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
Page 148 and 149: didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
Page 150 and 151: when he saw the woman, he said, “
Page 152 and 153: August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
Page 154 and 155: class. Most were sincere in the way
Page 156 and 157: December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
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Chicago According to the mother of
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March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
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A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
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A few days back, at the library, I
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cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
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ecipe book called How to Cook for O
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Everywhere I go in New York, people
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New York Every day I get the paper
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we learned, were elves Santa had in
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December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
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Elaine called last night with a pos
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Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
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spend time in a hospital. If I lose
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when one of the floor refinishers b
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and decency out the window” and u
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Mom called to say they have outline
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standing in front of a woman who wa
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I really outdid myself last night.
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February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
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ut luckily didn’t reach the table
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July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
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Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
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catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
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phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
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Roger Donald called from Little, Br
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June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
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1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
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April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
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July 11, 1994 New York On the news
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socialized. So much time spent wait
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We got a wonderful review in the Ti
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In the paper there’s a story abou
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October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
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December 18, 1996 New York We met l
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lower your head a little?” Normal
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May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
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Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
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He didn’t do much in terms of def
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1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
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put instead of hid. I never cared a
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for her work.” I’d never seen t
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June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
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July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
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September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
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The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
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I bought nothing at the flea market
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Paris Today the high school student
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penis and carve it into bite-sized
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December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
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what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
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Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
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Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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