Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

In the paper there’s a story about a fifty-five-year-old cancer patient who paid her twenty-year-old
neighbor to kill her. The kid went with strangulation, but she revived and then tracked him down,
claiming that because she was still alive, he had to give her the money back. They argued, and he beat
her to death with a power drill.
February 12, 1996
New York
According to an article I read this morning, Scouting was invented to rescue boys from the clutches
of their mothers and schoolteachers. The fear was that they’d turn out gay, or deviant, as they said
back then. Parents were advised to be on the lookout for boys who willingly took baths and kept
diaries. Guilty and guilty again.
February 27, 1996
Albany, New York
William Kennedy and his wife are a waiter’s worst nightmare. At dinner last night they ordered
their drinks neat. Then, when they arrived, they asked for a bowlful of ice. Mrs. Kennedy wanted her
salad without onions, while he asked for his without tomatoes or cucumber. She ordered her entrée
without broccoli and potatoes and asked instead if her fillet could be served with just spinach.
William asked for his pasta without the mushrooms.
When her order came she frowned down at the plate, saying, “Oh, no. I don’t think I want this. Just
bring me a sirloin steak, rare.”
The two of them ordered from busboys and called the hostess over at one point to ask for a club
soda. They weren’t malicious, but I can’t imagine that either of them ever worked in a restaurant.
April 14, 1996
New York
I saw Helen yesterday for the first time since late January. She’d called me over to fix her mop,
and I arrived to find her without her teeth in. “You’re fat,” she told me. “You need to take some of that
blubber and give it to Hugh. He’s got a skinny ass.”
May 13, 1996
New York
A man called last night, saying he had read my book and asking if I could come clean his house. I
offered to give him Bart’s number, but he reiterated that he wanted me. In exchange, he said, he would
give me four stories I could put in my next book. I told him my book wasn’t about other people’s