Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitches (our play) opened Thursday night to an audience of fifty. La MaMa can squeeze in 120, so this wasn’t so bad. Friday was sold out, as was tonight. The Times came last night; tonight it was Newsday and the Voice. I want to tell them we were just joking. It’s not a real play, it’s what comes from doodling while you’re holding a bong. Whatever they have to say, it’s out of my control now and in the hands of the actors. My job is to play the host and greet people at the door as they enter. January 11, 1994 New York It seems that Amy and I have pulled this off. Today the reviews came out in the Times, Newsday, and the Voice. Newsday was great and said good things about everyone, especially Amy. The Times criticized the play for being too long, but other than that the review was fantastic. La MaMa has extended our run and said that several producers have called about possibly moving us to a bigger theater. I can’t believe people took us seriously. Amy and I got everything we wanted from this show: the Talent Family name used in reviews, big crowds, an extension. Since opening week, we’ve cut out seven minutes and rewritten two scenes. This is just the happiest day. January 18, 1994 New York The New York Daily News review came out yesterday and reads, in part, “As any nine-year-old can tell you, there’s nothing quite so funny as a face hideously deformed by bungled plastic surgery, unless it’s the spectacle of an amputee trying to play the guitar. For those of you who are forever nine, the greatest gross-out in New York right now, the show in the worst possible taste—is Stitches.” January 30, 1994 New York Six people walked out of the show Friday night. They were all over the age of sixty, and noticing them in the lobby as they collected their tickets, I thought how nice it was to have such a wide range
of ages in the audience. As they left, I heard one of them on the stairs, saying, “You’d have to be a moron.” February 26, 1994 New York I went to the corner to buy Helen some cigarettes and when I returned she sat me down to discuss the Winter Olympics. “Did you see it on the TV? That Tonya Harding? I never liked her. She’s a street fighter is what she is, a dirty snot. Nancy Kerrigan I like, but not that street fighter.” Tonya Harding really is something else. I resisted the story until I saw a picture of her. With her fierce makeup, she looks like a child’s drawing of an angry babysitter. Whatever else, she’s succeeded in capturing my imagination. She doesn’t strike me as mean. Rather, she’s seems like the type to whom everything is unfair. February 28, 1994 New York Helen knocked this morning and asked me to mail some shit for her. Literally. “It’s a stool sample,” she said. April 4, 1994 New York On the radio today I heard a story about an American living in Singapore who was convicted of spraying graffiti on parked cars. As punishment, he’s been fined and sentenced to a caning. An official described the process: “A pad is placed over the kidney so as not to cause serious damage. We tell the men to aim for the buttocks.” American diplomats are trying to appeal the punishment, but I think it’s reasonable enough. Spraypaint cars and the least they should be able to do is spank you. April 19, 1994 New York At the library I found Pimp: The Story of My Life by Iceberg Slim. It’s the kind of book you have to read from the beginning, otherwise you can’t understand the slang. One chapter is titled “To Gain a Stable,” and in it he teaches you how to turn out a whore by breaking her will. (He suggests beating her with a straightened-out coat hanger.)
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Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
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Introduction Not long after decidin
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someone else, but that is something
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1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
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said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
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What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
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April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
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Ronnie was the first person I met w
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Odell After I paid my membership an
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I’ve returned all my library book
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For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
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Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
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Conversation I overheard at the IHO
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July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
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Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
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1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
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April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
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I dropped my telephone again. Now i
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first onto the floor. I was maybe t
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Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
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igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
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oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
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looded American in the class, a wom
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her three dogs in the cellar. They
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go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
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Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
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Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
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Someone has drawn a swastika on the
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April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
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Fair, and while eating they specula
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Just as I’m packing to move into
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September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
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February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
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you could just move the bed into th
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When he then walked into the other
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I went to Capital Camera this after
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1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
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this morning. At five I returned to
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and I watched as one of the men spo
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used a plate. We talked, and he gav
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There was a long line at the Sherid
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1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
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July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
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the start of class he said that no
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December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
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This afternoon I was hit over the h
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and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
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I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
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September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
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Chronic depression Chronically stif
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He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
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November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
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steaming over the ocean, two dolls
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1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
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May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
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to get huffy in these situations. I
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were listening to the radio. As I p
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Mom said it was good that he didn
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December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
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time. She has only one visible toot
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February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
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Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
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I saw a man being handcuffed under
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die but didn’t have the wherewith
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wants. He examined her, her shrunke
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September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
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If any of the children in my buildi
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1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
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I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
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filthiest mouths in Europe and are
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March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
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didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
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when he saw the woman, he said, “
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August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
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class. Most were sincere in the way
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December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
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Chicago According to the mother of
Page 160 and 161: March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
Page 162 and 163: A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
Page 164 and 165: A few days back, at the library, I
Page 166 and 167: cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
Page 168 and 169: ecipe book called How to Cook for O
Page 170 and 171: Everywhere I go in New York, people
Page 172 and 173: New York Every day I get the paper
Page 174 and 175: we learned, were elves Santa had in
Page 176 and 177: December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
Page 178 and 179: Elaine called last night with a pos
Page 180 and 181: Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
Page 182 and 183: spend time in a hospital. If I lose
Page 184 and 185: when one of the floor refinishers b
Page 186 and 187: and decency out the window” and u
Page 188 and 189: Mom called to say they have outline
Page 190 and 191: standing in front of a woman who wa
Page 192 and 193: I really outdid myself last night.
Page 194 and 195: February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
Page 196 and 197: ut luckily didn’t reach the table
Page 198 and 199: July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
Page 200 and 201: Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
Page 202 and 203: catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
Page 204 and 205: phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
Page 206 and 207: Roger Donald called from Little, Br
Page 208 and 209: June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
Page 212 and 213: April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
Page 214 and 215: July 11, 1994 New York On the news
Page 216 and 217: socialized. So much time spent wait
Page 218 and 219: We got a wonderful review in the Ti
Page 220 and 221: In the paper there’s a story abou
Page 222 and 223: October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
Page 224 and 225: December 18, 1996 New York We met l
Page 226 and 227: lower your head a little?” Normal
Page 228 and 229: May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
Page 230 and 231: Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
Page 232 and 233: He didn’t do much in terms of def
Page 234 and 235: 1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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Page 238 and 239: put instead of hid. I never cared a
Page 240 and 241: for her work.” I’d never seen t
Page 242 and 243: June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
Page 244 and 245: July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
Page 246 and 247: September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
Page 248 and 249: The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
Page 250 and 251: I bought nothing at the flea market
Page 252 and 253: Paris Today the high school student
Page 254 and 255: penis and carve it into bite-sized
Page 256 and 257: December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
Page 258 and 259: what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
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Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
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Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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