Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

shopping.
When Brian, the premature ejaculator, phoned in, Phyllis suggested he try an exercise called “the
quiet vagina.” Another solution was to masturbate before sex so as to calm his penis down a little.
She really has all the answers, Phyllis does.
March 16, 1984
Chicago
There’s a big argument going on next door in Spanish. I can make out two words: whore and shoe.
Two men are yelling at the woman. Someone has been slapped. On the ground in front of the building
are a number of broken things that seem to have been thrown out the window. Clothes and hangers, a
cabbage, mayonnaise.
March 24, 1984
Chicago
Last night I saw a woman drag a teenage boy out of the Sheridan “L” Lounge. She was maybe in
her forties and kept slapping the kid across the face. “How many times do I got to tell you to stay out
of there?” she asked. “It’s trouble.” Every so often she’d pause from smacking him and sign something
with her hands. He responded with a noise rather than words. That’s when I realized he was deaf.
When the slapping stopped, she grabbed the kid’s ear and twisted it. Like a dog being beaten by
his master, he did not fight back but just took it. A couple of people watching heckled the woman.
“Leave him alone!” they shouted.
She shouted back that they should mind their own business. She called them trash, and in response
they laughed at her.
March 26, 1984
Chicago
Betty Carter is perfection. They just played her version of “What’s New” on the radio. It’s on her
latest record, and I think I’ll buy it for Dad. Female jazz vocalists are just about the only things we
agree on. When good music would come on the radio at home, he used to call me into the living room
and make me sit still until the song was over, saying as it played, “Are you listening to this? My
God!”
April 8, 1984
Chicago
There was a severely handicapped guy at the IHOP tonight. He was with two men and a woman,