Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

this morning. At five I returned to find a group of kids playing in the hall. When I unlocked my door
they rushed in behind me and ran all over the place. None of them speak English, so I had to scold
them in Spanish, which made them laugh.
I can’t believe how good my apartment looks now. I’ve been sleeping in the big closet and will
probably continue to do so. That way I can keep the living room completely empty, not a thing in it.
February 20, 1984
Chicago
There’s a radio show I’ve started listening to that’s hosted by a woman named Phyllis Levy.
People phone in and discuss their sexual experiences—it’s fantastic. Last night Debbie called saying
that she and her boyfriend spent the weekend experimenting with a vibrator. She came four times—a
first. “It was wild!” she said.
Phyllis seemed genuinely happy for both Debbie and her boyfriend. Then Jill called to discuss a
fantasy situation, and Frank reminisced about a recent three-way with his ex-girlfriend and the guy
she’s now seeing. Next came Sue. Her parents are divorced, and during a visit with her dad last
week, he came to her bed in the middle of the night and the two of them made love. That was the term
she used, made love.
Phyllis explained that this is what we call an “incest situation.” She was clearly disturbed and
suggested that Sue might want to date men who were not related to her. Then Laurie called to say
she’d just done the dinner dishes dressed in a negligee. She stopped to answer the phone and returned
to find her husband, completely naked, scrubbing the bottoms of the pans. It was, she said, “a real
turn-on.”
Phyllis was happy for her and spoke briefly about the element of surprise. The program airs on
Sunday nights and reminds me every week that I’m not in North Carolina anymore.
February 27, 1984
Chicago
Again last night I listened to Let’s Get Personal on Q101. The first hour is hosted by a woman
who’s interested in general problems and miserabilia. She has numbers for various suicideprevention
hotlines and places where people can report child abuse, etc. The next hour, and my
favorite, is hosted by Phyllis Levy, who started off by speaking to a man who was born in India. He
said that small insects were thriving in his girlfriend’s pubic forest—that’s how he described it. He
was worried that she’d been unfaithful and that these creatures were a sign of that.
Irene called, upset that her brother had started wearing women’s clothing. Phyllis calmly explained
that this is what we call cross-dressing. It doesn’t mean Irene’s brother is gay, she said. Plenty of
cross-dressers marry and have children. “Is that what’s bothering you?” she asked.
Irene said no, the trouble is that her brother is taking all her and her mother’s clothes and that they
haven’t got a single bra or pair of panties left.
The solution, Phyllis said, was to put a lock on her bedroom door and offer to take her brother out