Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called the tenants in one of the Colleton Road units to tell them a repairman was coming to fix the water heater. The wife answered. Her voice is high and soft, and—like a lot of people, probably—Mom mistook her for a child. “Can I please speak to your daddy?” she asked. “Uh-uh, Wendy,” the wife said. “Sorry, babe.” Then she hung up. Mom told me this, and we laughed and laughed. Do the tenants know they’re our dinner conversation? In our minds we all but own them. April 10, 1982 Raleigh Mom locked herself out of the house and had to crawl under the railing onto the sundeck. She’s not an athletic person, not limber in any way, so it’s such a startling image, her legs dangling in empty air. Jokes I heard: Q. What’s better than roses on a piano? A. Tulips (two lips) on an organ. Q. Did you hear about the man with French asthma? A. He could only catch his breath in snatches. April 13, 1982 Raleigh Tommy breaks into drugstores to steal Valium. This is how he supplements his income. He and Bobby and I drove over to the Fast Fare for snacks this afternoon. There I was with two guys without shirts who stopped on our way out to play six rounds of a video game called Frogger. As I rode home from work, one of the handlebars came off my bike. So that’s another thing to take care of. April 15, 1982 Raleigh Bobby brought his three-year-old son to work with him. An unsupervised child on a construction
site. I seized up whenever he approached a Skilsaw, but Bobby had a good attitude. “Cover your ears, Brian!” he’d yell. Brian was eating caramels. They got all over his hands and, subsequently, his ears. April 17, 1982 Raleigh Yesterday, while riding home, Joe and I saw a topless woman run down Edenton Street. She seemed to have come from the church and had her arms crossed over her breasts. I’d guess she was in her late twenties, plump, and wearing cutoff jeans. A man was leaning against the church, watching her and laughing. Later I went to the art auction at the design school. My piece went for $7. I tell myself that most of the thirty or so people there were students without much money, but still, $7! I was so embarrassed I left and came home. Then I took a nap and woke up depressed. April 20, 1982 Raleigh Bobby accidentally broke his wife’s wrist during an argument. She visited us on the job site today and talked about it while drinking a Mountain Dew held in her good hand. Misty is small and pretty in the way that a country-and-western singer might be. She recently started an executive secretarial course at Hardbarger Business College. This is her first semester, and she’s taking a spelling class. “Let me give you a little pop quiz,” she said to Joe. “Spell class-action lawsuit.” I thought she’d hit him with something a little harder, like arbitration. April 24, 1982 Raleigh Tiffany left Raleigh and went back to Maine to work at the reform school she went to, Élan. I’ve missed her, so it was good to talk on the phone and hear about her new life. One of the delinquents she’s assigned to kidnapped two children, drowned them, put their bodies in plastic bags, and left them on the curb for the garbagemen. That’s a bit more than delinquent, I think. April 27, 1982 Raleigh Bobby met his wife, Misty, at Skate Town, where we used to go as kids. Today after her spelling class, she came by the job site, and the three of us went to Hardee’s for lunch. They ordered roast beef sandwiches and then entered a contest. First prize is an all-expenses-paid trip to the World’s
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Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
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Introduction Not long after decidin
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someone else, but that is something
Page 12 and 13: 1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
Page 14 and 15: said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
Page 16 and 17: What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
Page 18 and 19: April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
Page 20 and 21: Ronnie was the first person I met w
Page 22 and 23: Odell After I paid my membership an
Page 24 and 25: I’ve returned all my library book
Page 26 and 27: For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
Page 28 and 29: Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
Page 30 and 31: Conversation I overheard at the IHO
Page 32 and 33: July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
Page 34 and 35: Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
Page 36 and 37: 1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
Page 38 and 39: April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
Page 40 and 41: I dropped my telephone again. Now i
Page 42 and 43: first onto the floor. I was maybe t
Page 44 and 45: Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
Page 46 and 47: igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
Page 48 and 49: oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
Page 50 and 51: looded American in the class, a wom
Page 52 and 53: her three dogs in the cellar. They
Page 54 and 55: go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
Page 56 and 57: Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
Page 58 and 59: Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
Page 60 and 61: Someone has drawn a swastika on the
Page 64 and 65: Fair, and while eating they specula
Page 66 and 67: Just as I’m packing to move into
Page 68 and 69: September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
Page 70 and 71: February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
Page 72 and 73: you could just move the bed into th
Page 74 and 75: When he then walked into the other
Page 76 and 77: I went to Capital Camera this after
Page 78 and 79: 1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
Page 80 and 81: this morning. At five I returned to
Page 82 and 83: and I watched as one of the men spo
Page 84 and 85: used a plate. We talked, and he gav
Page 86 and 87: There was a long line at the Sherid
Page 88 and 89: 1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
Page 90 and 91: July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
Page 92 and 93: the start of class he said that no
Page 94 and 95: December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
Page 96 and 97: This afternoon I was hit over the h
Page 98 and 99: and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
Page 100 and 101: I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
Page 102 and 103: September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
Page 104 and 105: Chronic depression Chronically stif
Page 106 and 107: He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
Page 108 and 109: November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
Page 110 and 111: steaming over the ocean, two dolls
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1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
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May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
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to get huffy in these situations. I
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were listening to the radio. As I p
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Mom said it was good that he didn
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December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
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time. She has only one visible toot
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February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
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Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
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I saw a man being handcuffed under
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die but didn’t have the wherewith
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wants. He examined her, her shrunke
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September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
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If any of the children in my buildi
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1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
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I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
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filthiest mouths in Europe and are
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March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
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didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
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when he saw the woman, he said, “
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August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
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class. Most were sincere in the way
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December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
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Chicago According to the mother of
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March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
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A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
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A few days back, at the library, I
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cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
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ecipe book called How to Cook for O
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Everywhere I go in New York, people
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New York Every day I get the paper
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we learned, were elves Santa had in
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December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
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Elaine called last night with a pos
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Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
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spend time in a hospital. If I lose
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when one of the floor refinishers b
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and decency out the window” and u
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Mom called to say they have outline
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standing in front of a woman who wa
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I really outdid myself last night.
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February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
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ut luckily didn’t reach the table
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July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
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Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
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catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
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phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
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Roger Donald called from Little, Br
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June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
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1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
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April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
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July 11, 1994 New York On the news
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socialized. So much time spent wait
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We got a wonderful review in the Ti
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In the paper there’s a story abou
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October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
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December 18, 1996 New York We met l
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lower your head a little?” Normal
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May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
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Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
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He didn’t do much in terms of def
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1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
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put instead of hid. I never cared a
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for her work.” I’d never seen t
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June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
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July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
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September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
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The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
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I bought nothing at the flea market
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Paris Today the high school student
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penis and carve it into bite-sized
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December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
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what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
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Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
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Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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