Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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someone else, but that is something I can’t imagine doing, unless, perhaps, that person is a journalist. (They never get beyond the third page, which they usually call “the middle,” as in “I’d hoped to finish this before our interview but am only in the middle!”) That said, I don’t really expect anyone to read this from start to finish. It seems more like the sort of thing you might dip in and out of, like someone else’s yearbook or a collection of jokes. It wasn’t easy revisiting what are now 156 volumes of my diary. I broke the job up—a month or two per day—but after reading about me, I’d have to spend the rest of the day being me. I don’t know that I’ve ever done anything quite so exhausting. Hugh would be in the next room and hear me shout things like “Will you just shut up!” and “Who cares about the goddamn pocket square!” “Who are you talking to?” he’d ask. “Me in 2001,” I’d answer. By then I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. The early years, 1977 to 1983, were the bleakest. I was writing my diaries by hand back then. The letters were small and, fueled by meth, a typical entry would go on for pages—solid walls of words, and every last one of them complete bullshit. I’ve included very little of that time in this book. It’s like listening to a crazy person. The gist is all you need, really. The diary lightened up when I moved to Chicago, partly because I was in a big city but mainly because I felt so much better about myself. I’d finally done what I’d talked about doing for so many years: I’d left the town I grew up in. I’d gone back to college and actually graduated. There was all the more reason to feel good when, in the fall of 1990, I moved to New York. I was only writing at night back then, either smashed or getting there. You’d think I’d have addressed my drinking, at least in the privacy of my diary, but it’s rarely mentioned. To type that word—alcoholic—would have made it real, so I never recounted the talking-tos I got from Hugh and certain helpful people in my family. Similarly, it took me a while in the 1970s to write the word gay. “Oh, please,” I said out loud to my twenty-year-old self while reading my earliest diaries. “Who do you think you’re kidding?” This project made evident all the phases I’ve gone through over the years, and how intensely. Oh, the ink that was spilled over finding the correct phone number of someone who’d obviously—and for good reason—given me a fake one, over losing weight, over my French homework. Later I’d throw myself into catching flies and feeding them to spiders, and all this leads me to wonder, What’s next? Judging from my past it could be anything: collecting hair, crossbreeding rodents in my basement— who knows? I was also struck while rereading my diaries by the number of people I knew in 1980 whom I’m still close with now. It’s so hard to predict which friends will last and which will fade away. Quite often I’d move and lose half the contacts in my address book, people I thought would be with me forever. It’s not that we outgrew one another. They just couldn’t be bothered to put a stamp on a letter. Or I couldn’t. Of course it’s easier now with email. It was interesting to read back through a diary and come upon someone who would wind up being very important, who would drop out of nowhere and change the direction of my life: Hugh, Jim McManus, Meryl Vladimer, Geoff Kloske, Ira Glass, Andy Ward. I’d have thought the initial meetings would be momentous, that I’d recognize salvation when it presented itself—“There you are!”—but more often than not, each of them was just someone I shook hands with, then sat down later at my desk thinking, What was that person’s name again? Hugh was different. Him I remembered. With the
others, though, it’s sort of heartening. You never know whose hand you’re going to shake. Then there were those who died: my mother, my sister Tiffany, Don Congdon, the lovely David Rakoff. I’d reread the entries that featured these people and curse myself for not including more. Why did I not transcribe their every word? And shouldn’t I get cracking so that when friends and family members die in the future I’ll have something greater and more comforting to reflect upon? That’s the thing with a diary, though. In order to record your life, you sort of need to live it. Not at your desk, but beyond it. Out in the world where it’s so beautiful and complex and painful that sometimes you just need to sit down and write about it. * I do not think The Wire was overrated.
Page 4 and 5: Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
Page 6 and 7: For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
Page 8 and 9: Introduction Not long after decidin
Page 12 and 13: 1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
Page 14 and 15: said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
Page 16 and 17: What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
Page 18 and 19: April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
Page 20 and 21: Ronnie was the first person I met w
Page 22 and 23: Odell After I paid my membership an
Page 24 and 25: I’ve returned all my library book
Page 26 and 27: For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
Page 28 and 29: Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
Page 30 and 31: Conversation I overheard at the IHO
Page 32 and 33: July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
Page 34 and 35: Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
Page 36 and 37: 1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
Page 38 and 39: April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
Page 40 and 41: I dropped my telephone again. Now i
Page 42 and 43: first onto the floor. I was maybe t
Page 44 and 45: Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
Page 46 and 47: igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
Page 48 and 49: oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
Page 50 and 51: looded American in the class, a wom
Page 52 and 53: her three dogs in the cellar. They
Page 54 and 55: go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
Page 56 and 57: Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
Page 58 and 59: Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
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Someone has drawn a swastika on the
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April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
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Fair, and while eating they specula
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Just as I’m packing to move into
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September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
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February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
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you could just move the bed into th
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When he then walked into the other
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I went to Capital Camera this after
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1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
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this morning. At five I returned to
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and I watched as one of the men spo
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used a plate. We talked, and he gav
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There was a long line at the Sherid
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1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
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July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
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the start of class he said that no
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December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
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This afternoon I was hit over the h
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and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
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I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
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September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
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Chronic depression Chronically stif
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He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
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November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
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steaming over the ocean, two dolls
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1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
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May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
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to get huffy in these situations. I
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were listening to the radio. As I p
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Mom said it was good that he didn
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December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
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time. She has only one visible toot
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February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
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Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
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I saw a man being handcuffed under
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die but didn’t have the wherewith
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wants. He examined her, her shrunke
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September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
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If any of the children in my buildi
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1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
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I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
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filthiest mouths in Europe and are
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March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
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didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
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when he saw the woman, he said, “
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August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
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class. Most were sincere in the way
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December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
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Chicago According to the mother of
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March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
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A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
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A few days back, at the library, I
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cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
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ecipe book called How to Cook for O
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Everywhere I go in New York, people
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New York Every day I get the paper
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we learned, were elves Santa had in
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December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
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Elaine called last night with a pos
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Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
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spend time in a hospital. If I lose
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when one of the floor refinishers b
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and decency out the window” and u
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Mom called to say they have outline
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standing in front of a woman who wa
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I really outdid myself last night.
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February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
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ut luckily didn’t reach the table
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July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
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Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
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catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
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phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
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Roger Donald called from Little, Br
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June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
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1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
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April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
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July 11, 1994 New York On the news
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socialized. So much time spent wait
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We got a wonderful review in the Ti
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In the paper there’s a story abou
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October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
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December 18, 1996 New York We met l
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lower your head a little?” Normal
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May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
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Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
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He didn’t do much in terms of def
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1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
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put instead of hid. I never cared a
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for her work.” I’d never seen t
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June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
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July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
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September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
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The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
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I bought nothing at the flea market
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Paris Today the high school student
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penis and carve it into bite-sized
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December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
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what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
Page 342 and 343:
Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
Page 344 and 345:
Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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