Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

those peach-and-Prosecco cocktails. These were followed by three tallboys. Yikes. You’d think an
adult would know better: Beer on wine, you’re fine. Wine on beer, stand clear. But eleven Prosecco
cocktails should not precede anything, not even a twelfth.
November 14, 1991
Raleigh
Mom died last night, suddenly, of pneumonia brought on by her chemotherapy. Amy called to tell
me, and now we’re all in Raleigh. Dad gave us the option of seeing her laid out at the funeral home,
but I was afraid to go. We all were. How strange to be in her house and see her things—the halfworked
crossword puzzle, her mail and stockings. She didn’t expect to die yesterday, did she?
When it happened, Hugh and I were in our kitchen in New York. He was making manicotti and
talking about a wooden chicken he’d bought when I got socked by the weirdest feeling. I thought that
Hugh was going to die, and I must have said something because he accused me of being dramatic. I
can’t believe this has happened.
November 21, 1991
New York
The other night we were visited by Father Regis, the new priest at the Greek Orthodox church. He
came to get an idea of what our mother was like and took a cue from the unfinished thousand-piece
puzzle spread out across the dining-room table. For the past few days we’ve been working on it—just
something to do with our hands as we sat around talking. “Oh,” the priest said when he saw us. “I see
you’re finishing this in memory of your dear departed mother, God rest her soul.”
He made it sound so hokey.
November 22, 1991
New York
I had elf training today, from one to four. The filmstrips about safety and theft I remember from last
year, but there was a new one about shoplifting narrated by a guy in prison. The walls of his cell were
scarred and ugly, and after he spoke we heard from the cashier who had seen him steal and alerted
security, thereby earning a $500 bonus.
For most of the day I sat beside Richard, whom I met last year. He’s older than me but lives with
his parents. All his talk is about cute guys.
November 23, 1991
New York