Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

New York
On this, the first day of spring, I am able to shop around and find chicken for 59 cents per pound,
coffee for $2.99 a pound, and spaghetti on sale—two boxes for $1. Tonight I’ll have chicken with
some squid-ink linguine Hugh brought me. It’s black.
This spring I am, if I’m not mistaken, in love.
I’ve started working for a Kentucky man named Jeffrey Lee who is painting a master bedroom at 77th
and 5th. I saw splendors today—things I had no idea existed. This apartment is vast, ten rooms,
maybe more. Huge rooms with fireplaces and windows looking onto Central Park. The owners are a
couple in their mid-forties who have no children. They’ve built a special bathroom for their dogs
with a floor that flushes. The two came in this afternoon with their decorator, who lives not far away,
in Claus von Bülow’s old apartment. We went over at the end of the day, and I couldn’t believe my
eyes. In the living room, or whatever you call the room next to the living room, she had a door-size
Sargent painting. Just hanging there.
Jeffrey Lee wears a big beret and smokes Lucky Strikes and has anxiety attacks. His brother died
of AIDS and now he has it too. I asked how he controls his fear of dying and he said, “Drugs”—
prescribed drugs, and Jack Daniel’s.
March 26, 1991
New York
I waited for Alba for forty minutes this morning, standing outside her door at the Chelsea. She
arrived wearing a tailored suit and worrying that it made her look frumpy. In the end, she changed,
then did different things with her hair. Alba can’t wait in line at a restaurant or the post office—she
doesn’t have that kind of time. I worked for a few hours, and then she borrowed $50 from the guy at
the front desk and we went to an Italian place called Intermezzo that had a $4 lunch special. I paid for
my own meal—fine, but I also didn’t charge her for the time I spent waiting, and this when I’m getting
$3 an hour less than the last person who did my job.
I wouldn’t mind but I’m broke right now and could have made a lot more money working for
Jeffrey Lee today. I have to do something about my finances. I don’t want Hugh to think I’m shiftless
and I don’t want to scare him away by relying on him. I’ve always counted on things to work out, and
they usually do, but the stakes are higher here.
I’m surrounded by people who have more money than they know what to do with, and none of them
have earned it.
March 27, 1991
New York
I received an offer for the Citibank Citicard, which promises me instant cash privileges if I need to