Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

When I was in high school, Dad would sometimes come into my room and lie on my bed.
Sometimes he’d talk, but most often he was silent.
February 15, 1982
Raleigh
New word: bourgeois, meaning pussy. Tommy says he’s glad he’s married and can get all the
bourgeois he needs and don’t have to choke the chicken like single men do. He talks a lot about
kicking his wife’s ass. He’ll kick her ass clean across the room if she doesn’t have supper ready
when he gets home. He’ll kick her ass if she won’t give him bourgeois when he needs it. Today he
wore a T-shirt with ANIMAL written on it. The thing about Tommy is that he’s more than a little ugly,
especially compared to Bobby, who’s compact and cute. Tommy and Dougie and Bobby talk about
Misty and Debbie and Jackie. They treat me with a kind of detached, patronizing humor that probably
should bother me but doesn’t.
Last night I went crazy for marijuana. I was Jack Lemmon tearing up the greenhouse in Days of Wine
and Roses. I looked for (and found) pot in the folds of album covers I had used to deseed long-ago
ounces and quarters. I found some under the sofa cushions. Then I pulled out the couch and looked
under the radiator. I turned the place inside out and got a little stoned but not much.
February 16, 1982
Raleigh
Tommy’s wife cooked chicken and rice, so he didn’t have to beat her ass last night. It was right
there on the table when he got home. He uses the word nigger loudly and freely in that neighborhood,
and it annoys me because we are guests there. What if Mrs. Ewing heard him? She’d be so hurt.
February 17, 1982
Raleigh
Yesterday morning I poured boiling water onto my left foot. I was making coffee and looking out
the window at the guy in the next-door apartment, who was wearing a cowboy hat. Of course I
stopped pouring once I’d burned myself. As the skin peeled off, I wondered when this string of bad
luck might end.
February 19, 1982
Raleigh