Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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wants. He examined her, her shrunken kidneys, her bad breath, which indicates severe digestive troubles, and asked if Neil had stopped being a pet. “Has she withdrawn?” I said yes. She quit cleaning herself six months ago, and from then it’s gone from bad to worse. Now my life is post-Neil. August 20, 1988 Emerald Isle Names of beach houses I saw today: Clambaker Crow’s Nest Dune Castle C&C <strong>by</strong> the Sea Upstairs Skinny Dipper God’s Gift Buck’s Stop Here Captain’s Country Skipper’s Chip Sea Mist Sea Shape Pelican’s Perch Footprints Duck Inn Breezy Outlook Tip Top The Scotch Bonnet Rip Tide Beach Nut Lazy C Summer Love August 23, 1988 Emerald Isle At the dinner table, Mom fed the dog a piece of steak off Dad’s chair, and he called her a big dummy. He was wearing a pair of shorts that hadn’t been washed in weeks so I didn’t see what the big deal was. No one did but him.
September 5, 1988 Chicago Tomorrow I go to school to have my ID picture taken. Teachers wear them on lanyards around their necks so they’ll have something to fool with when they get nervous. One week from tomorrow, I’ll have my first class, and I’m still working on an outline. Tonight I remembered that I don’t know anything about point of view, or about anything, really. So far I’ve gotten along OK, but as the teacher, you’re kind of supposed to be on top of it. My greatest fear is having someone like N. in my class, the editor of the school paper. He writes articles about the nuisance of cigarette smoke and City Hall’s feelings about artists’ spaces. Were he in my class, he could easily point out my inadequacies. I can point them out too, of course, but I’m not the student, and I worry that in defending myself I’ll sound too desperate. September 6, 1988 Chicago Tomorrow is the cocktail party for faculty, and today I found a $5 bill on the street. I’m thinking I’ll spend it on magazines. One thing I’ll buy is this week’s New Yorker, which has a Joan Didion “Letter from Los Angeles” in it. September 8, 1988 Chicago Last month, Evelyne’s electric bill was $345. Kim’s was $109. Shirley’s was $280. Mine was $35. September 9, 1988 Chicago I came upon two evangelists on State Street this morning, both conservatively dressed white women in their late thirties. One handed out pamphlets while the other preached. “Oh, just look at that,” she said into her microphone as a young woman walked <strong>by</strong>. “The way she’s dressed, she’s asking for it, begging to be raped. And when she is raped, she’ll deserve every single minute of it and eventually burn in hell.” It seemed harsh to me, her judgment. If the young woman had stopped to listen, would she have been redeemed?
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Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
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Introduction Not long after decidin
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someone else, but that is something
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1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
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said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
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What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
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April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
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Ronnie was the first person I met w
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Odell After I paid my membership an
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I’ve returned all my library book
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For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
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Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
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Conversation I overheard at the IHO
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July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
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Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
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1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
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April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
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I dropped my telephone again. Now i
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first onto the floor. I was maybe t
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Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
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igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
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oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
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looded American in the class, a wom
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her three dogs in the cellar. They
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go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
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Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
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Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
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Someone has drawn a swastika on the
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April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
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Fair, and while eating they specula
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Just as I’m packing to move into
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September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
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February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
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you could just move the bed into th
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When he then walked into the other
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I went to Capital Camera this after
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1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
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this morning. At five I returned to
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and I watched as one of the men spo
Page 84 and 85: used a plate. We talked, and he gav
Page 86 and 87: There was a long line at the Sherid
Page 88 and 89: 1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
Page 90 and 91: July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
Page 92 and 93: the start of class he said that no
Page 94 and 95: December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
Page 96 and 97: This afternoon I was hit over the h
Page 98 and 99: and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
Page 100 and 101: I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
Page 102 and 103: September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
Page 104 and 105: Chronic depression Chronically stif
Page 106 and 107: He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
Page 108 and 109: November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
Page 110 and 111: steaming over the ocean, two dolls
Page 112 and 113: 1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
Page 114 and 115: May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
Page 116 and 117: to get huffy in these situations. I
Page 118 and 119: were listening to the radio. As I p
Page 120 and 121: Mom said it was good that he didn
Page 122 and 123: December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
Page 124 and 125: time. She has only one visible toot
Page 126 and 127: February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
Page 128 and 129: Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
Page 130 and 131: I saw a man being handcuffed under
Page 132 and 133: die but didn’t have the wherewith
Page 136 and 137: September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
Page 138 and 139: If any of the children in my buildi
Page 140 and 141: 1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
Page 142 and 143: I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
Page 144 and 145: filthiest mouths in Europe and are
Page 146 and 147: March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
Page 148 and 149: didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
Page 150 and 151: when he saw the woman, he said, “
Page 152 and 153: August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
Page 154 and 155: class. Most were sincere in the way
Page 156 and 157: December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
Page 158 and 159: Chicago According to the mother of
Page 160 and 161: March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
Page 162 and 163: A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
Page 164 and 165: A few days back, at the library, I
Page 166 and 167: cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
Page 168 and 169: ecipe book called How to Cook for O
Page 170 and 171: Everywhere I go in New York, people
Page 172 and 173: New York Every day I get the paper
Page 174 and 175: we learned, were elves Santa had in
Page 176 and 177: December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
Page 178 and 179: Elaine called last night with a pos
Page 180 and 181: Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
Page 182 and 183: spend time in a hospital. If I lose
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when one of the floor refinishers b
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and decency out the window” and u
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Mom called to say they have outline
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standing in front of a woman who wa
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I really outdid myself last night.
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February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
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ut luckily didn’t reach the table
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July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
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Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
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catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
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phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
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Roger Donald called from Little, Br
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June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
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1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
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April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
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July 11, 1994 New York On the news
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socialized. So much time spent wait
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We got a wonderful review in the Ti
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In the paper there’s a story abou
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October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
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December 18, 1996 New York We met l
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lower your head a little?” Normal
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May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
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Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
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He didn’t do much in terms of def
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1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
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put instead of hid. I never cared a
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for her work.” I’d never seen t
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June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
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July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
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September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
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The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
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I bought nothing at the flea market
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Paris Today the high school student
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penis and carve it into bite-sized
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December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
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what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
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Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
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Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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