Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

then climbed on top of the refrigerator. Once there, he reached into a vent and came away with a
fistful of soot, saying we should have it cleaned for insurance purposes.
The man’s top teeth were rotted to stubs, but the bottom ones were white and even. He came up to
my shoulder, that’s how small he was. Once we agreed that he should do it, the little guy left and was
replaced by his assistant, who was young and handsome. He wore a one-piece work suit over his
clothes—the kind that mechanics wear—and the rear end was torn open. Like his boss, his hands
were black and his face was smeared. I was enchanted and asked if he could do the fireplaces as
well. While he worked, I did my homework, pausing every now and then to ask or answer a question.
Did I know, he asked, that the same verb, “to ream out,” was also used for sex acts?
“You’re kidding,” I said. “How interesting.”
We talked about his love of football and cats and his hatred of the English. It cost the equivalent of
$130, but now I can build fires.
February 26, 1999
Paris
Today was the last day of class. Next month the teacher goes to Brazil, and then she has to work a
few months in the office. She kissed several students good-bye, but I slipped out the door. I would
have liked to thank her, but everything feels different since my article (“Me Talk Pretty One Day”)
came out in Esquire. I wish I hadn’t published it. I meant it at the time, but since then things have
changed. She’s still moody, but I think she’s a good teacher. I can see that now, whereas I couldn’t
before.
March 13, 1999
Reston, Virginia
This evening for the first time in seven months I got to watch some episodes of Cops. They weren’t
the best ones, but at least I’d never seen them before. Last night’s hotel in Alabama had thirty-eight
stations, including the Animal Planet Network, which offered something called Wildlife Emergency, a
sort of ER for wounded creatures. The first segment featured an eagle with possible lead poisoning.
“Katie, I want you to draw some blood and get this guy into X-ray, ASAP.”
I thought, OK, it’s an eagle. It’s on stamps and coins so I guess it makes sense to go all out. Next
came a possum with a broken jaw, and again the doctors leaped into action. I was wondering why
they didn’t just put it down, but that would be another show—Mercy Killing, maybe, or When
Animals Die.
Later that night I watched a British import called Vets in Practice, which follows the goings-on of
four attractive veterinarians. Pete was presented with a parrot suffering from an ingrown toenail, and
then we cut to Brian, who had his arm embedded to the elbow in a cow’s asshole and talked briefly
about his relationship with his girlfriend. We saw Ellen, who had recently amputated both wings of a
goose and was now reintroducing her back into society. “I’m worried about Denise,” she said.
“Worried that the others won’t accept her.”