Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Erickson
Author’s Note Occasionally in this book I have changed people’s names or slightly altered their physical descriptions. In some cases I’ve changed a name because the person in the preceding entry was also a Jim or a Mary, and I wanted to avoid confusion. (How is it that I have so many Steves in my life and only one Thelma?) I’ve rewritten things when they were unclear or, as was more often the case in the early years, when the writing was clunky and uninviting.
Page 4 and 5: Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
Page 8 and 9: Introduction Not long after decidin
Page 10 and 11: someone else, but that is something
Page 12 and 13: 1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
Page 14 and 15: said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
Page 16 and 17: What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
Page 18 and 19: April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
Page 20 and 21: Ronnie was the first person I met w
Page 22 and 23: Odell After I paid my membership an
Page 24 and 25: I’ve returned all my library book
Page 26 and 27: For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
Page 28 and 29: Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
Page 30 and 31: Conversation I overheard at the IHO
Page 32 and 33: July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
Page 34 and 35: Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
Page 36 and 37: 1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
Page 38 and 39: April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
Page 40 and 41: I dropped my telephone again. Now i
Page 42 and 43: first onto the floor. I was maybe t
Page 44 and 45: Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
Page 46 and 47: igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
Page 48 and 49: oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
Page 50 and 51: looded American in the class, a wom
Page 52 and 53: her three dogs in the cellar. They
Page 54 and 55: go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
Page 56 and 57:
Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
Page 58 and 59:
Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
Page 60 and 61:
Someone has drawn a swastika on the
Page 62 and 63:
April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
Page 64 and 65:
Fair, and while eating they specula
Page 66 and 67:
Just as I’m packing to move into
Page 68 and 69:
September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
Page 70 and 71:
February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
Page 72 and 73:
you could just move the bed into th
Page 74 and 75:
When he then walked into the other
Page 76 and 77:
I went to Capital Camera this after
Page 78 and 79:
1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
Page 80 and 81:
this morning. At five I returned to
Page 82 and 83:
and I watched as one of the men spo
Page 84 and 85:
used a plate. We talked, and he gav
Page 86 and 87:
There was a long line at the Sherid
Page 88 and 89:
1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
Page 90 and 91:
July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
Page 92 and 93:
the start of class he said that no
Page 94 and 95:
December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
Page 96 and 97:
This afternoon I was hit over the h
Page 98 and 99:
and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
Page 100 and 101:
I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
Page 102 and 103:
September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
Page 104 and 105:
Chronic depression Chronically stif
Page 106 and 107:
He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
Page 108 and 109:
November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
Page 110 and 111:
steaming over the ocean, two dolls
Page 112 and 113:
1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
Page 114 and 115:
May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
Page 116 and 117:
to get huffy in these situations. I
Page 118 and 119:
were listening to the radio. As I p
Page 120 and 121:
Mom said it was good that he didn
Page 122 and 123:
December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
Page 124 and 125:
time. She has only one visible toot
Page 126 and 127:
February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
Page 128 and 129:
Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
Page 130 and 131:
I saw a man being handcuffed under
Page 132 and 133:
die but didn’t have the wherewith
Page 134 and 135:
wants. He examined her, her shrunke
Page 136 and 137:
September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
Page 138 and 139:
If any of the children in my buildi
Page 140 and 141:
1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
Page 142 and 143:
I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
Page 144 and 145:
filthiest mouths in Europe and are
Page 146 and 147:
March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
Page 148 and 149:
didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
Page 150 and 151:
when he saw the woman, he said, “
Page 152 and 153:
August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
Page 154 and 155:
class. Most were sincere in the way
Page 156 and 157:
December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
Page 158 and 159:
Chicago According to the mother of
Page 160 and 161:
March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
Page 162 and 163:
A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
Page 164 and 165:
A few days back, at the library, I
Page 166 and 167:
cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
Page 168 and 169:
ecipe book called How to Cook for O
Page 170 and 171:
Everywhere I go in New York, people
Page 172 and 173:
New York Every day I get the paper
Page 174 and 175:
we learned, were elves Santa had in
Page 176 and 177:
December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
Page 178 and 179:
Elaine called last night with a pos
Page 180 and 181:
Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
Page 182 and 183:
spend time in a hospital. If I lose
Page 184 and 185:
when one of the floor refinishers b
Page 186 and 187:
and decency out the window” and u
Page 188 and 189:
Mom called to say they have outline
Page 190 and 191:
standing in front of a woman who wa
Page 192 and 193:
I really outdid myself last night.
Page 194 and 195:
February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
Page 196 and 197:
ut luckily didn’t reach the table
Page 198 and 199:
July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
Page 200 and 201:
Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
Page 202 and 203:
catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
Page 204 and 205:
phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
Page 206 and 207:
Roger Donald called from Little, Br
Page 208 and 209:
June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
Page 210 and 211:
1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
Page 212 and 213:
April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
Page 214 and 215:
July 11, 1994 New York On the news
Page 216 and 217:
socialized. So much time spent wait
Page 218 and 219:
We got a wonderful review in the Ti
Page 220 and 221:
In the paper there’s a story abou
Page 222 and 223:
October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
Page 224 and 225:
December 18, 1996 New York We met l
Page 226 and 227:
lower your head a little?” Normal
Page 228 and 229:
May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
Page 230 and 231:
Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
Page 232 and 233:
He didn’t do much in terms of def
Page 234 and 235:
1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
Page 236 and 237:
spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
Page 238 and 239:
put instead of hid. I never cared a
Page 240 and 241:
for her work.” I’d never seen t
Page 242 and 243:
June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
Page 244 and 245:
July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
Page 246 and 247:
September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
Page 248 and 249:
The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
Page 250 and 251:
I bought nothing at the flea market
Page 252 and 253:
Paris Today the high school student
Page 254 and 255:
penis and carve it into bite-sized
Page 256 and 257:
December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
Page 258 and 259:
what I’d handed her. Things like
Page 260 and 261:
and asked us to finish. Her opener
Page 262 and 263:
The show cut to a commercial and th
Page 264 and 265:
“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
Page 266 and 267:
It rained yesterday so we all bough
Page 268 and 269:
Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
Page 270 and 271:
it. The one I bought came in a litt
Page 272 and 273:
gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
Page 274 and 275:
2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
Page 276 and 277:
will have a computer, but I’d hop
Page 278 and 279:
New York Amy and I were near her ap
Page 280 and 281:
oommate who attracts snakes with th
Page 282 and 283:
August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
Page 284 and 285:
When people speak Italian, I always
Page 286 and 287:
egister. I had to go to the bathroo
Page 288 and 289:
for a place called Granny’s Fudge
Page 290 and 291:
I liked the Star Market in Somervil
Page 292 and 293:
2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
Page 294 and 295:
a psychiatric hospital. According t
Page 296 and 297:
upcoming move and finally got to th
Page 298 and 299:
een allotted a certain number of ci
Page 300 and 301:
the criminals here? I have absolute
Page 302 and 303:
our guidebook for its handsome publ
Page 304 and 305:
Last night, we attended the memoria
Page 306 and 307:
October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
Page 308 and 309:
screaming that thirty Washingtonian
Page 310 and 311:
“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
Page 312 and 313:
to get their licks in before the ne
Page 314 and 315:
2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
Page 316 and 317:
“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
Page 318 and 319:
It didn’t bother me, as the book
Page 320 and 321:
In return for our help getting her
Page 322 and 323:
They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
Page 324 and 325:
Lisa had made it for all of ten min
Page 326 and 327:
coming and went from the sublime to
Page 328 and 329:
Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
Page 330 and 331:
new colony of spiders on the living
Page 332 and 333:
granddaughter. He’s odious and se
Page 334 and 335:
money. Because of the tourist trade
Page 336 and 337:
much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
Page 338 and 339:
takes acid and steps into the Serge
Page 340 and 341:
About the Author David Sedaris is t
Page 342 and 343:
Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
Page 344 and 345:
Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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