Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

April 22, 1994
New York
All Helen talks about is her pain. Every time I see her she goes on and on and I’m tired of it. Other
people’s pain is uninteresting. My own, though, is spellbinding. I went to bed at midnight and didn’t
fall asleep until seven a.m. My knee hurt so much I couldn’t do anything but moan. While awake I
read an entire issue of the Source, which bills itself as “the Magazine of Hip-Hop Music, Culture, and
Politics.”
My favorite bit was an interview with Warren G. “I was finished with almost the whole album, but
I took everything back,” he said. “Now I can have DJ Pooh and QD3 and Bobcat and all of them see
how it sounds compared to what I had. I ain’t with all that bullshit, you know the shit how
motherfuckers be trying to punk motherfuckers and shit. I ain’t with that shit.”
May 5, 1994
New York
As part of the publicity I’m doing for the book (Barrel Fever), I was interviewed and
photographed for Avenue magazine. The talking part I’m fine with, but I hate having my picture taken.
First the photographer had me pose with Dennis (my cat) while wearing a cat mask. Then she had me
pretend to hang from the antlers in the living room. Next I was told to close the louvered doors on my
neck and then to hold my freeze-dried turkey head up to my nose. Just as she was running out of film,
the photographer said, “Can we try something silly?”
May 10, 1994
New York
Walking down Broome Street I saw a couple massaging their Labrador retriever’s asshole. Then
the man stuck his finger in and coaxed out a clot of shit. He wasn’t wearing gloves or anything. Dog
people.
May 14, 1994
New York
I met with Dawn Erickson at a café tonight. Though we’ve written back and forth, we hadn’t seen
each other since Kent State in 1976, and because she doesn’t smoke and has never had a drink or
taken any drugs, she looks just the same. I learned that she still designs fabrics, that she travels a lot,
mainly alone, and that her mother has cancer. Her father died fourteen years ago in a skydiving
accident. She still doesn’t drink coffee, so she just had water.
Afterward I went to the Grand Union and was shopping for dinner when a young man touched my
arm. “Hey, watch where you’re going. You almost hit my baby in the head with your basket.”