Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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April 22, 1994 New York All Helen talks about is her pain. Every time I see her she goes on and on and I’m tired of it. Other people’s pain is uninteresting. My own, though, is spellbinding. I went to bed at midnight and didn’t fall asleep until seven a.m. My knee hurt so much I couldn’t do anything but moan. While awake I read an entire issue of the Source, which bills itself as “the Magazine of Hip-Hop Music, Culture, and Politics.” My favorite bit was an interview with Warren G. “I was finished with almost the whole album, but I took everything back,” he said. “Now I can have DJ Pooh and QD3 and Bobcat and all of them see how it sounds compared to what I had. I ain’t with all that bullshit, you know the shit how motherfuckers be trying to punk motherfuckers and shit. I ain’t with that shit.” May 5, 1994 New York As part of the publicity I’m doing for the book (Barrel Fever), I was interviewed and photographed for Avenue magazine. The talking part I’m fine with, but I hate having my picture taken. First the photographer had me pose with Dennis (my cat) while wearing a cat mask. Then she had me pretend to hang from the antlers in the living room. Next I was told to close the louvered doors on my neck and then to hold my freeze-dried turkey head up to my nose. Just as she was running out of film, the photographer said, “Can we try something silly?” May 10, 1994 New York Walking down Broome Street I saw a couple massaging their Labrador retriever’s asshole. Then the man stuck his finger in and coaxed out a clot of shit. He wasn’t wearing gloves or anything. Dog people. May 14, 1994 New York I met with Dawn Erickson at a café tonight. Though we’ve written back and forth, we hadn’t seen each other since Kent State in 1976, and because she doesn’t smoke and has never had a drink or taken any drugs, she looks just the same. I learned that she still designs fabrics, that she travels a lot, mainly alone, and that her mother has cancer. Her father died fourteen years ago in a skydiving accident. She still doesn’t drink coffee, so she just had water. Afterward I went to the Grand Union and was shopping for dinner when a young man touched my arm. “Hey, watch where you’re going. You almost hit my baby in the head with your basket.”
“I’m sorry.” The guy had a shoulder-length mane of carefully styled hair and wore a pair of sweatpants with the back torn out. I thought I was seeing fur underwear until I realized it was his hairy ass showing. “You almost hit the baby,” he repeated. I said, “Almost. But I didn’t, right?” He was just looking for a fight. In fact, I’d been nowhere near the baby. I watched from behind as he got in line and then listened as he accused the cashier of overcharging him. The manager was called and I wondered how anyone could go out in public like that, with his ass hanging out. I should be OK with it, but it’s never the ass I want to see. June 21, 1994 New York They were boarding my flight to Indianapolis yesterday when a Russian man in a wheelchair rolled up, accompanied by his family. “Can’t he walk?” the gate attendant asked. When she realized that none of them spoke English, she repeated herself, only louder. “Can’t he walk at all?” As I passed the man, I noticed that his pant legs were empty, that he either was an amputee or had been born this way. “Well, could he walk if he tried?” the gate attendant, who was not nearly as observant as I am, asked. July 1, 1994 New York Today I cleaned for the Rs. They’re nice people but incredible slobs. Every week I find something new the son has decided to use as an ashtray. Today it was a paper cupcake jacket. I mean, really. What’s wrong with a saucer? Another thing they’re big on is dropped change. This afternoon I found pennies in one bathtub and dimes in another. July 9, 1994 New York It’s hot and icky here so Hugh and I went to the air-conditioned Museum of Television and Radio and watched TV all day. First came an hour-long tribute to women in comedy. During this we sat behind three elderly women, one of whom kept turning around and scolding me for resting my knees on the back of her chair. I did this once. That was it, I swear, yet she kept nagging me. A fly could have landed on this woman’s seat back and she would have felt it. The third time she turned around I told her to fuck off. I don’t think she heard me, but still I was ashamed for having said it.
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Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
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Introduction Not long after decidin
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someone else, but that is something
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1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
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said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
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What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
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April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
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Ronnie was the first person I met w
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Odell After I paid my membership an
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I’ve returned all my library book
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For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
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Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
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Conversation I overheard at the IHO
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July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
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Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
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1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
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April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
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I dropped my telephone again. Now i
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first onto the floor. I was maybe t
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Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
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igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
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oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
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looded American in the class, a wom
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her three dogs in the cellar. They
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go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
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Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
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Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
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Someone has drawn a swastika on the
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April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
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Fair, and while eating they specula
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Just as I’m packing to move into
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September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
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February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
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you could just move the bed into th
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When he then walked into the other
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I went to Capital Camera this after
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1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
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this morning. At five I returned to
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and I watched as one of the men spo
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used a plate. We talked, and he gav
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There was a long line at the Sherid
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1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
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July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
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the start of class he said that no
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December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
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This afternoon I was hit over the h
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and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
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I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
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September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
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Chronic depression Chronically stif
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He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
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November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
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steaming over the ocean, two dolls
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1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
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May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
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to get huffy in these situations. I
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were listening to the radio. As I p
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Mom said it was good that he didn
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December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
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time. She has only one visible toot
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February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
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Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
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I saw a man being handcuffed under
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die but didn’t have the wherewith
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wants. He examined her, her shrunke
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September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
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If any of the children in my buildi
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1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
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I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
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filthiest mouths in Europe and are
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March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
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didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
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when he saw the woman, he said, “
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August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
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class. Most were sincere in the way
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December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
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Chicago According to the mother of
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March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
Page 162 and 163: A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
Page 164 and 165: A few days back, at the library, I
Page 166 and 167: cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
Page 168 and 169: ecipe book called How to Cook for O
Page 170 and 171: Everywhere I go in New York, people
Page 172 and 173: New York Every day I get the paper
Page 174 and 175: we learned, were elves Santa had in
Page 176 and 177: December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell peop
Page 178 and 179: Elaine called last night with a pos
Page 180 and 181: Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
Page 182 and 183: spend time in a hospital. If I lose
Page 184 and 185: when one of the floor refinishers b
Page 186 and 187: and decency out the window” and u
Page 188 and 189: Mom called to say they have outline
Page 190 and 191: standing in front of a woman who wa
Page 192 and 193: I really outdid myself last night.
Page 194 and 195: February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
Page 196 and 197: ut luckily didn’t reach the table
Page 198 and 199: July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
Page 200 and 201: Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
Page 202 and 203: catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
Page 204 and 205: phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
Page 206 and 207: Roger Donald called from Little, Br
Page 208 and 209: June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
Page 210 and 211: 1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
Page 214 and 215: July 11, 1994 New York On the news
Page 216 and 217: socialized. So much time spent wait
Page 218 and 219: We got a wonderful review in the Ti
Page 220 and 221: In the paper there’s a story abou
Page 222 and 223: October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
Page 224 and 225: December 18, 1996 New York We met l
Page 226 and 227: lower your head a little?” Normal
Page 228 and 229: May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
Page 230 and 231: Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
Page 232 and 233: He didn’t do much in terms of def
Page 234 and 235: 1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
Page 236 and 237: spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
Page 238 and 239: put instead of hid. I never cared a
Page 240 and 241: for her work.” I’d never seen t
Page 242 and 243: June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
Page 244 and 245: July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
Page 246 and 247: September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
Page 248 and 249: The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
Page 250 and 251: I bought nothing at the flea market
Page 252 and 253: Paris Today the high school student
Page 254 and 255: penis and carve it into bite-sized
Page 256 and 257: December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
Page 258 and 259: what I’d handed her. Things like
Page 260 and 261: and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
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Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
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Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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