Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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December 29, 1990 Raleigh Tell people you live in New York, and I’ve noticed they’ll offer half a dozen reasons why they don’t live there: the crowds, the high cost of living, the crime. I’m not suggesting they move or anything—far from it. It’s funny how defensive certain people get.
1991 January 2, 1991 New York I took the Carey bus from LaGuardia and was crossing 42nd Street when a guy said, “Hey, big man, how about giving me one of those cigarettes?” He was a good six inches taller than me, so I pointed that out and asked why he’d called me big man. “Did you think I’d find it flattering?” “Hey,” he said. “That’s just the way I am.” I said, “Fine, and this is the way I am.” As I walked away he called out after me, “Hey, it’s just a fucking cigarette.” “Well, you know me,” I called back. In front of Grand Central, a big black guy asked did I want a taxi, and when I said yes, he grabbed my duffel bag and proceeded down the street. I followed and watched as he hailed a cab, threw my bag into the backseat, and demanded a tip. I took my bag out of the backseat and hailed another cab. The driver told me that he hates those self-appointed porters. When he hears one of them shake a passenger down for a tip, he rolls down his window and shouts, “You don’t owe him shit! Don’t give him nothing.” January 7, 1991 New York I found a PlayGuy magazine in a trash can on West 4th Street and read the letters section, where a college student wrote that six months ago he began drinking his own semen. “The kinkiest thing I ever did was the time I saved up a seven-day output of my cum and put it in a bottle. I went to the cafeteria for dinner, got a salad, pulled my little bottle out of my pocket and put it on the table. When a couple of P.E. majors asked what it was, I told them that it was a high-protein salad dressing my mom had sent me. Several of them asked to share my dressing, which I gladly did. I could barely contain myself as I watched these guys pour my cum on their greens and eat it. Now, some people might think my antics are a bit much. But I enjoy it and it feels good. Isn’t that what sex is all about?” “I enjoy it and it feels good” doesn’t really justify his actions, in my opinion. Then again, he can’t honestly have done this, can he? February 5, 1991 New York
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Copyright © 2017 by David Sedaris
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For Dawn “Friendship Flower” Er
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Introduction Not long after decidin
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someone else, but that is something
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1977 September 5, 1977 Sacramento,
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said Paul was hurt that I hadn’t
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What a day. December 1, 1977 West V
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April 19, 1978 Chapel Hill Uh Uh Uh
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Ronnie was the first person I met w
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Odell After I paid my membership an
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I’ve returned all my library book
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For the umpteenth time I’m sweari
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Raleigh I am in trouble with Lisa
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Conversation I overheard at the IHO
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July 7, 1979 Raleigh Last night, af
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Brad: (More slaps.) Bitch, whore. G
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1980 January 1, 1980 Raleigh I gave
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April 25, 1980 Raleigh I began work
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I dropped my telephone again. Now i
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first onto the floor. I was maybe t
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Woman: Oh, come on, you slept here
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igger. He has a Dutch Boy haircut a
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oken or damaged or stolen. Dad says
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looded American in the class, a wom
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her three dogs in the cellar. They
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go home. January 10, 1982 Raleigh N
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Raleigh Outside the A&P I saw a wom
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Raleigh Mrs. Ewing was at home this
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Someone has drawn a swastika on the
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April 9, 1982 Raleigh Mom called th
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Fair, and while eating they specula
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Just as I’m packing to move into
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September 20, 1982 Raleigh A joke I
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February 18, 1983 Raleigh Last nigh
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you could just move the bed into th
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When he then walked into the other
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I went to Capital Camera this after
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1984 January 6, 1984 Chicago, Illin
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this morning. At five I returned to
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and I watched as one of the men spo
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used a plate. We talked, and he gav
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There was a long line at the Sherid
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1985 January 9, 1985 Raleigh Since
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July 28, 1985 Chicago Odd family at
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the start of class he said that no
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December 8, 1985 Chicago Here is th
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This afternoon I was hit over the h
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and crying my eyes out.” She rubb
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I saw a bird swoop down this mornin
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September 19, 1986 Chicago Last wee
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Chronic depression Chronically stif
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He said, “Oh,” and looked at me
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November 3, 1986 Chicago On the rad
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steaming over the ocean, two dolls
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1987 January 13, 1987 Chicago The d
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May 22, 1987 Chicago This morning a
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to get huffy in these situations. I
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were listening to the radio. As I p
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Mom said it was good that he didn
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December 27, 1987 Raleigh Tiffany l
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time. She has only one visible toot
Page 126 and 127: February 11, 1988 Chicago At the en
Page 128 and 129: Chicago I checked The Oxford Book o
Page 130 and 131: I saw a man being handcuffed under
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Page 134 and 135: wants. He examined her, her shrunke
Page 136 and 137: September 13, 1988 Chicago I realiz
Page 138 and 139: If any of the children in my buildi
Page 140 and 141: 1989 January 5, 1989 Chicago I weig
Page 142 and 143: I was in the coffee shop of the Pal
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Page 146 and 147: March 23, 1989 Chicago The presiden
Page 148 and 149: didn’t pick anything up.” “Ye
Page 150 and 151: when he saw the woman, he said, “
Page 152 and 153: August 9, 1989 Chicago I was at the
Page 154 and 155: class. Most were sincere in the way
Page 156 and 157: December 21, 1989 Chicago On the la
Page 158 and 159: Chicago According to the mother of
Page 160 and 161: March 3, 1990 Chicago I hailed a ca
Page 162 and 163: A bumper sticker I saw on a beat-up
Page 164 and 165: A few days back, at the library, I
Page 166 and 167: cigarettes. I never have four. I lo
Page 168 and 169: ecipe book called How to Cook for O
Page 170 and 171: Everywhere I go in New York, people
Page 172 and 173: New York Every day I get the paper
Page 174 and 175: we learned, were elves Santa had in
Page 178 and 179: Elaine called last night with a pos
Page 180 and 181: Then we joined Lily, Hugh’s roomm
Page 182 and 183: spend time in a hospital. If I lose
Page 184 and 185: when one of the floor refinishers b
Page 186 and 187: and decency out the window” and u
Page 188 and 189: Mom called to say they have outline
Page 190 and 191: standing in front of a woman who wa
Page 192 and 193: I really outdid myself last night.
Page 194 and 195: February 9, 1992 New York Hugh sat
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Page 198 and 199: July 3, 1992 New York I stopped at
Page 200 and 201: Today I did a cleaning job for a fo
Page 202 and 203: catch up. Now, though, I wouldn’t
Page 204 and 205: phone book. A woman from Oregon cal
Page 206 and 207: Roger Donald called from Little, Br
Page 208 and 209: June 10, 1993 New York At around mi
Page 210 and 211: 1994 January 8, 1994 New York Stitc
Page 212 and 213: April 22, 1994 New York All Helen t
Page 214 and 215: July 11, 1994 New York On the news
Page 216 and 217: socialized. So much time spent wait
Page 218 and 219: We got a wonderful review in the Ti
Page 220 and 221: In the paper there’s a story abou
Page 222 and 223: October 10, 1996 New York Amy’s b
Page 224 and 225: December 18, 1996 New York We met l
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lower your head a little?” Normal
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May 17, 1997 La Bagotière Mr. G’
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Last night I watched Alien Autopsy:
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He didn’t do much in terms of def
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1998 January 1, 1998 New York I wen
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spaghetti sauce that had chunks of
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put instead of hid. I never cared a
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for her work.” I’d never seen t
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June 10, 1998 Birmingham, Alabama I
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July 20, 1998 New York Class was st
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September 3, 1998 Paris Last night
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The teacher threw a lot of chalk to
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I bought nothing at the flea market
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Paris Today the high school student
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penis and carve it into bite-sized
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December 24, 1998 Paris As our cab
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what I’d handed her. Things like
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and asked us to finish. Her opener
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The show cut to a commercial and th
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“Hugh!” I called. “There’s
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It rained yesterday so we all bough
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Hugh and I spent yesterday afternoo
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it. The one I bought came in a litt
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gray-haired, in her sixties, I gues
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2000 January 8, 2000 Paris In the m
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will have a computer, but I’d hop
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New York Amy and I were near her ap
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oommate who attracts snakes with th
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August 9, 2000 La Bagotière I call
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When people speak Italian, I always
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egister. I had to go to the bathroo
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for a place called Granny’s Fudge
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I liked the Star Market in Somervil
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2001 January 13, 2001 Paris Yesterd
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a psychiatric hospital. According t
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upcoming move and finally got to th
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een allotted a certain number of ci
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the criminals here? I have absolute
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our guidebook for its handsome publ
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Last night, we attended the memoria
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October 7, 2001 Paris The French me
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screaming that thirty Washingtonian
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“Oh, definitely,” the woman sai
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to get their licks in before the ne
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2002 January 3, 2002 Paris I’d al
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“C’est normal,” the syndic sa
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It didn’t bother me, as the book
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In return for our help getting her
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They couldn’t be flushed, so I ha
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Lisa had made it for all of ten min
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coming and went from the sublime to
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Paris Yesterday afternoon I opened
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new colony of spiders on the living
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granddaughter. He’s odious and se
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money. Because of the tourist trade
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much, a little lump of flesh. Octob
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takes acid and steps into the Serge
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About the Author David Sedaris is t
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Books by David Sedaris Theft by Fin
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Holidays on Ice Naked Barrel Fever
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Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

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