Theft by Finding - David Sedaris

Lily and I saw a dead man on West 11th. He had jumped from a sixth-floor window, landed on a
car, and rolled into the street, where he was lying in an ever expanding pool of blood. You could see
that on the way down he’d hit a tree. I wondered if, at the last minute, he’d changed his mind and tried
to grab hold of the branches, many of which were broken now. A crowd formed and some boys who’d
seen him jump claimed to have heard his skull crack. People passing said, “What happened?” and the
two kids, celebrities now, acted as spokesmen.
Tonight I paid $5 to watch an Irish performance artist at Margo’s gallery. It’s the money that kills me
because this was just the worst—it’s like she followed a formula:
1. Show slides.
2. Arrange your various props on the floor.
3. Use them one by one.
4. Don’t say a word.
5. Incorporate blood.
It was insufferable. The props included a mannequin’s head, feathers, a mound of soil, a shovel, a
bell, a few vials. After arranging them just so, she used them, one after another, for an hour. If you’re
going to perform wordlessly, you need to wow people with your movement or your music or lighting,
but she was not graceful or clever or well prepared. She rolled herself in paper; she fell to the
ground. I was so relieved when it ended that I applauded—a mistake, as I don’t think things like this
should be encouraged.
October 28, 1990
New York
On Friday night I met Lily on Jane Street and we carried the ladder back to Hugh’s place on Canal.
I was excited to be there and decided to have a crush on him. We sat for a while and drank a beer.
Scott and Leslie had put up a bird feeder, which was fine until the birds got sloppy with the seeds,
and rats showed up. I wanted to stay but had to leave to meet Gretchen, who’d arrived from
Providence and needed to be picked up at her friend’s place on 103rd Street.
October 31, 1990
New York
This afternoon I sat in the eighth-floor SantaLand office at Macy’s and was told, “Congratulations,
Mr. Sedaris. You are an elf.”
I return tomorrow at nine thirty for my training schedule, but in the meantime, me and the others
who were hired were shown a chart from last year. A third of the names had stars beside them. Those,