1EQQ8ZzGD

to admit it, but at the time I felt a great weight was lifted off
my shoulders when I pulled the trigger. I felt like I had finally
stood up for myself. I was completely irrational. I realize now
it is like my friend David Monroe always says, “Hurt people
hurt people.” I was really hurting, and I didn’t know how to
ask for help.
I continued to justify my actions for a long time, but somewhere
deep inside, I have always known that there was never
any justice in taking someone’s life. Admitting to myself I was
feeling scared, lonely, unworthy of love and respect was just
too hard. Also, by admitting these feelings of mine, I would
also have to come to grips with what I really did, and how I
affected the world. This was a hard prospect for me, but I am
finally there over fifteen years later.
now I feel sadness over murdering someone. I feel I have
robbed my victim’s family of the most precious thing in life. I
feel immense sorrow for this. I feel I have robbed my family
out of truly ever knowing me. I feel like I have inspired fear
in my community. I feel that I have done the world a great
disservice, and that I owe a debt that I can never fully repay. I
am full of guilt and shame over my actions.
Without a doubt, deciding to murder someone was the
worst mistake of my life. I don’t believe I even possess the
right words to fully express how it feels to murder someone,
but I can say, I never want anyone else to feel the way I do.
All communications between inmates and external channels
are facilitated by approved volunteers since inmates do not
have access to the internet. This program with Quora is part of
The Last Mile San Quentin. Twitter: @TLM.
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