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tage, the flowers needed to be 'better than anyone else's.'
I started to feel uneasy about four months before the 'big
day.' There was nothing specific, but I started to have doubts
about him.
We had been to collect his new car from the garage, and
I saw the way he spoke to the salesman and I felt shame. This
was particularly relevant to me because my dad was 'a used
car salesman' as Stephen put it! The fact that my dad owned
several garages that were successful and the fact that my dad
was paying for everything didn't seem to occur to him.
My uneasiness and unhappiness grew, I lost weight (a lot
of it), I didn't sleep; I was drinking more than I should.
I finally made my decision three days (yes, three days) before
the wedding. I told my dad first.
You need to know my dad was from working class stock,
self-made man, down to earth etc he looked me up and down,
touched my hair, hugged me, and said, "Better now than afterwards."
If only my mum had been so understanding. She said I
had 'brought shame on the family!'
I told Stephen, he looked at me coldly and said I had 'humiliated'
him. Which I had probably, but never once did he
tell me he loved me, he didn't cry (like I was doing).
The next couple of days passed in a blur, my dad's secretary
(Janet — I'll love her forever) took over cancelling everything.
My mum didn't speak to me. At all. My dad gave me some
cash, and my brother drove me to a rented cottage in Devon,
and I spent a week wandering along the coast, crying.
My mum didn't speak to me for about three months; even
now she wears a pinched expression when she looks at me
sometimes.
one of my friends told me that she had never liked him;
she thought he was 'rude with a sense of entitlement.'
You asked how it felt to cancel a wedding: it felt awful. It
still feels awful. It isn't about the money, which my dad lost
(although I feel tremendous guilt), it's about my feelings of
letting people down.
I've cried again writing this; I don't know why I got swept
away by the event . . . the romance of it perhaps.
I do know that not marrying him was the right decision.
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