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us from each other, but we were left shackled at the waist
and ankles. no one said a word on the bus, and my heart was
beating so hard I could hear it. The ride to Donovan took all
of twenty minutes as the prison is literally within eye sight of
the county facility from which I was transferred. The sun was
just coming up as we pulled into R&R (Receiving & Release)
at Donovan.
I couldn't wait to get out of those handcuffs and leg irons;
being shackled up like that is something I could never get
used to. As soon as we walked into R&R, I saw someone I
knew from the county jail and he was all smiles as he asked
me how much time I had. When I told him twenty-five years
to life, his eyes got big and he took a step back, as if I had
some kind of virus he didn't want to catch. His response surprised
me. First it made me feel nervous, then worried that
everyone else would respond to me the same way. He didn't
know what to say and neither did I. I tried to ease the awkwardness
of the moment with small talk about my appeal but
no matter what I said, I couldn't escape the growing despair
in my gut; and that was only the first day.
We made it out of R&R around noon and got back on
the bus to go to “four yard.” We pulled up next to building
16 and unloaded straight into the dayroom. once inside, we
walked into a gauntlet of correctional officers who immediately
started yelling and telling us to shut the f*** up and not
ask them for anything because we had nothing coming. After
an intense thirty minutes, we all had to sit and wait to be interviewed
by the gang coordinator. While we waited, I heard
familiar voices of people I knew who had caught the chain
before me, asking if I needed anything. At that point, I was
so depressed and downtrodden that I didn’t respond verbally.
I just shook my head.
After my interview, I walked upstairs to the cell where
I’d spend the rest of the first day of a life sentence. I stepped
inside and the sound of the cold steel door slamming behind
me ricocheted around inside my skull, making me dizzy. I
just stood there in shock. I remember wanting to scream but
when I opened my mouth nothing but sobs came out. I was
devastated. I heard people calling my name on the tier but I
couldn’t speak. I closed my eyes hoping to find some relief, but
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