1EQQ8ZzGD

took anger management classes and started giving very awkward
hugs, as if he hadn't been properly trained on when and
how to deliver affection (he wasn't unaffectionate before, but
apparently he must have been instructed that he was doing it
wrong and he should instead be hugging people, it felt awkward
and alien, almost funny at first). He's greatly improved
since then.
I was conscious of how I was suddenly treated differently
and most of the time I tried to make a conscious effort not to
take advantage of it. It was very easy to take advantage of the
situation, even by accident, and that made me feel even more
guilty, here I was making my life easier by taking advantage
of the miserable situation that my sister died.
I got away with being a pretty bad student because of my
"situation," and it wasn't my situation that was the problem it
was that I was a pretty crappy student.
I stopped going to Boy Scouts because I felt really awkward
being around my peers, like it was easier to avoid them
than to make them feel obligated to console me or to try to
relate. I regret this.
every year I age, every new job I take, or adventure I go
on, I wonder what my sister would have been doing, two years
ahead of me. I like to think of her that way.
My family read her diary from college, and I refused to
read it. I knew there were entries she made in it about doing
drugs and drinking as a freshman, and I didn't want to
remember her that way. She was the cheerleader who looked
out for her nerdy little brother and introduced him to Paula
Abdul and Michael Jackson. (All my sisters introduced me to
their favorite music, perhaps trying to convince me to pick a
side, and to this day I still love it all).
every day, and in everything I do, I ask myself if she would
be proud, if she would say, "Wow, John, that's awesome!"
It's a burden, but it's also a great driving force, it makes
me live my life.
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http://www.quora.com/l/boq-john-clover