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down the stairs, and went through the procedures I was certified
for. My sister was on the floor next to the couch where
she had been sleeping. There was fluid in her airway, I cleared
it and began CPR. I told my parents to call 911 and continued
until the paramedics arrived.
I remember the stain on the floor next to her head where I
cleared her airway, and worrying about who would clean it up
so my parents wouldn't have to see it. I remember the sound
the air made as it left her lungs, like a balloon emptying out.
There was no resistance, no life. There seemed to be a glimmer
of hope when the paramedics attempted to revive her
with shock paddles, but I think this was just wishful thinking.
We got in our car and followed them to the hospital where
after a short time we were moved to a grievance room where
we got to wait for a doctor to tell us what we already knew. It
was hell to wait.
We were brought to see her body and told to collect any
of her jewelry. It was the world's worst goodbye, even worse
for my other two sisters who were out of town and not able
to be present.
I had dreams she was still there, I would wake up thinking
she was in the next room. I fantasized that she had been
kidnapped, and one day she would come back and we'd be
reunited.
I remember one of the last things I did for my sister and it
makes me happy. She was hungry and weak from being sick,
and I made her Kraft Mac and Cheese and she liked it. I'm
really glad that by sheer luck I wasn't a dick little brother and
that time, I made an effort to help her out.
I didn't cry and I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings.
She died in December of 1996, and I remember the first
time I cried was when I was driving to my friend's house and
Hale-Bopp was near perihelion (around Feb/April 1997), and
Lighting Crashes by Live was on the radio.
I pulled over and looked out my window at the comet, and
cried. I still can't listen to that song. I pulled myself together
and went to my friend's house and didn't cry again for I don't
know how long.
everything changed.
My mom started taking medication (it helped), my dad
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