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it. I was never in denial, I just didn't care.
And then I lost my house. And then I lost my car. And
then I had to start sleeping on a buddy's couch because I had
nowhere else to go. My friend, Luke, stopped being my friend
and like a shot in the head, I spiraled out of control. It took
YeARS to admit that I was in love with Luke, but not then, I
was in denial (about a great deal). I started completely numbing
myself with more and more meth. I smoked a full 8-ball
a day (8th of an ounce — enough to keep an ordinary person
strung out for a week). I'd lost all my friends.
My apartment had been robbed long ago and all my good
shit was stolen, so I couldn't sell that. And everything, eVeRYTHInG
was just completely lost. FUBAR. even my last
friend, the guy whose couch I'd been sleeping on, had had
enough of me. I was so emotional (drug emotions are like
being severely bipolar — indistinguishable, in fact). I was up
and down. I was insane and incorrigible. I was alone and on
the verge of just killing myself. It was so painful. I remember
wanting out and not knowing how; trapped in a world
of drugs, drug selling, and the caramel river of one pointless
day oozing into the next, without enough velocity to crush me
against the rocks, but not solid enough for me to get a grip
and swim to shore.
People were looking for me. I owed money. Goddamn, I
owed so much money to so many people. Death was the quickest
and easiest way out. I'd spent my last relationship. I had
nothing left, and the years that I should have spent doing
something of value were spent doing nothing of any worth
and so, having no recourse, I'd decided that I was just going
to kill myself.
And I called my dad to say goodbye.
We hadn't spoken in years. Three-ish years. I was certain
he'd written me off. I was always more than the black sheep;
the pink sheep, of the family. I never fell in line. I never ever
feared being different, and I didn't have a problem making
other people suffer for me being different; so what would he
care if I was gone?
Biology.
So many people make so much of biology. My dad who
raised me was not my biological father. At something like
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