Promethium muriaticum Entire Proving Journal

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Promethium‐mur Journal 44 03/00:00 MIND 4 There’s tears behind my eyes, were of immense relief, could set down a burden and package holding up, thinking stable in that I have to hold up making superhuman effort, don’t have to hold up, been challenging self to suffer and effort excessively whenever needed the irony, almost a betrayal maybe, betrayal of self, that told myself that story for so long it’s what a waste, a waste of time and energy for nothing and a feeling in back scapula thoracic throat, same feeling thoracic into back, can relax settle back and can breathe once again, like in the first such a relief. 03/00:00 MIND 4 Deep sorrow for myself and all humans who mistakenly make their lives harder than it needs to be and a part of me doesn’t feel it’s possible, wouldn’t it be great, a relief to just set it down, don’t know that I really can. 03/00:00 MIND 4 There is a sobbing burst out and lasted for time. 03/00:00 MIND 4 Umm I feel empty no emotion interesting because Tuesday was an upward emotion, can’t really breath, freely a constriction diaphragm, as if a large man with an out stretched arm place hand on ribs between ribs on chest, he’s holding me back, stabilizing me where I am steady, grounding me, acting like a lightning rod which allows me to sob more uncontrollably and reassures me that there will be an end to my sobbing and an end to my efforting. 03/00:00 MIND 4 Now my awareness switches to myself, as a prover reporting out of experience, I hope that happens, having this feeling will allow it to manifest and I can finally be done, that scares me, that word, what does it mean relaxes but that not quite the depth of it can finally be delivered from the need to hang on, some connection between efforting and hanging on something about the willfulness. 03/00:00 MIND 4 Thinking about how I express the experience and should be talking about a headache or itch on feet… how comes up for me produces what I produce it value should be more concrete, just hearing myself helpful how… trust your senses…. 03/00:00 MIND 4 Efforting hanging on, sense purpose, wow, first going to say been core part of me will be interesting if proving flushes out more, thinking that then thought comes to me like NOOOOO were not going to let you see that easily that’s it for today not going to let you go further which is unusual for me 03/00:00 MIND 4 Now feeling a bit like I was before question, got to go, got to do stuff, got to get going, similar in same family but were not going to go there, got a real defense feeling, doesn’t want to be drawn up to the light, haven’t watched those vampire things, something doesn’t want to come to light yet its under wraps literally and just a real weariness to emerge at this point, will happen just not yet, huh, that seems very strange to me, seems mysterious and is drawing my attention and pulling me into some awareness I’ve never had. 03/00:00 MIND 4 So the joke is on it that it only has a month… really feeling anxious that I need to go something in it like that tubercular its I got to go its not I don't know yeah so…. 03/00:00 MIND 4 Boyfriend’s daughter is moving in, shit don’t want that, we’ll see, disappointed, nice going to have to change everything, it’s small not a lot of space there, takes away opportunity, slows us down, restriction, sad to lose budding moments of intimacy we had…, let down, apprehensive, don’t want to lose a moment something develops in the moment, the relationship in two of us confident…. 03/00:00 MIND 4 There are 2 loon figures on top of the air conditioner. 03/10:30 MIND 4 Finally connected with Tech Support on a computer issue that has gone unresolved for months. Took the time which I usually feel I don't have, and asked for help, let the person do the work and just tell me what to do. Much more satisfying than trying to figure it out myself, I feel very calm now, settled. 03/12:00 MIND 4 Had a very long Skype with my son, talking about what is difficult for him and how he manages; he seemed more willing to enter into and extend the conversation than we have done in a while. Talking a lot this week with various friends or clients about our children, and how challenging it can be to parent them well as they move into adulthood. I worry that my son is not as engaged in life as he could be, that he might be suffering from a lack of human connection. I wish he could hear my conversations with others this week, as so many speak to how difficult it was for them as young adults, or even now, to figure out friendship stuff. I would like my son to feel less alone in his confusion on how to interact socially. 04/14:00 MIND 4 Took care of two car issues today which have been dragging for months. Readying it for another winter, so I feel I can count on it to carry me forward and not create problems I would have to deal with at inconvenient moments of travel. The timing worked out perfectly. I feel safe, satisfied, settled, supported. One of the two issues I really have no idea what it was, mechanically, and don't care to bother my brain with details. What a floozy!
Promethium‐mur Journal 45 04/14:00 MIND 4 Bought a Halloween mask today, just happened upon them in a store. It's based on a Commedia del' Arte tradition so esthetically I like it. Has like a ruffle that hides the mouth, so I could disguise myself well enough people might not be able to tell who I am. Funny to prepare so far ahead for a holiday I just started wanting to dress up for a few years ago. It's tied in with going to this bar where I like to dance with friends. A community I feel a part of. Normally I'm not really that social. But I'm excited about this mask, and how fun it will be to trick my friends, or just to be a part of the game of disguises. 05/11:00 MIND 4 Got an odd bit of news today. My ex-lover told me this female friend of his was found (by her young son) unconscious in her apartment, and the son might have waited hours, or even days, before he called his Aunt or 911, after which she was whisked away and is apparently still unconscious in some hospital. While not a girlfriend, this woman's intrusive presence in his life contributed to my ending our relationship. She had apparently stated she would be dead within a year or two but seemed fine, although relatively psychotic, and certainly under medication. What I find most disconcerting is the imprecise, "Oh, by the way.."recounting that this ex-lover gave, and his visibly unfeeling disconnection to someone he had allowed to take a substantial place in his life. I had seen this in him before, but not with such indifference. It makes me want to go prod him to see if I can get to a deeper level of his experience. I also have a curiosity to learn more, in part with genuine curiosity and compassion, but also I must admit I am still resentful of the way she pushed herself into his life. I felt pushed out, not rejected but losing, de facto, the time and space in his life that I had enjoyed before. The freedom to stop in whenever I wanted was replaced by the apprehension that she would be sitting there and make some snide remark, with that strong negative energy she embodied, or just that he would not be available to me. I'm embarrassed how this sounds, and yet feel there are some emerging truths here that would help me clear out this past and no longer carry these tarnished vestiges of what is no more. 06/00:00 MIND 4 Ok, had this women’s group this morning at 8 o’clock… was whining, had to get up early, stamping my feet, there’s no sympathy from those who get up early… feeling really rebellious, constrained by those up and atom, really dragging my feet and drawing a line in the sand in my mind as I drove in, I had organized my life so body gets up when it wants, feels part of recognizing yourself and owning who you are, I get it if I went to bed early, or had kids, doesn’t work go right to bed early, a violence to system, what’s different today is that rebellious line in the sand, not going to do it, can’t make me, the energy around it feels different than my normal whining, dragging energy to get up early to do… 06/00:00 MIND 4 Talked to someone last night, feeling really bad last night haven’t been paying much attention to writing things down, feeling guilty and some shame, feeling bad about it… the feeling interestingly like again I feel obliged, experiencing the obligation and it drags on my system to feel obligated, having trouble feeling that. 06/00:00 MIND 4 Like something behind me, just out of my sight, it’s as if something behind me out of my sight attached little strings behind me, turn into marionette still my character… happy go lucky and feeling in these strings, thick enough feel pull back remind obligation. 06/00:00 MIND 4 Like a little bug behind, swatting it, little flies caught in hair can’t get out, these string attached that feeling of something caught in there pesky like its caught me, rest can roll merrily through catching more and more this whining, something you should be doing, this tagging nagging feeling I should be doing something, doing or dealing with should get to, very disgruntles about whatever the hell it is am saying, really like a pest, pesky like a pest and I don’t feel really upset about it. 06/00:00 MIND 4 If took feeling further (growl noise) gather all papers up throw them in a fuck this shit exasperated feeling, don’t have that the end point of it, kind of on the beginning of this feeling and attitude, got this excited feeling, what if I could do it to all the junk in my basement, get that irritated and throw out bunch of stuff I don’t want to deal with anymore. 06/00:00 MIND 4 Feel I should apologize, feel just saying in French… translates not matter what, whatever trust something coming up feel just throwing out of my mouth and my mind tossing out to get rid of it, feel like a hoax feel like a sham, feel like I’m just making things up, this energy throwing up, rejecting, tossing out that energy that popping out impetuous one that natural results, can be that you say anything a sham its like it’s a form the energy of rejecting arms going up and out like first day but this had more of a throw, a snap, that up and out something, interesting this exasperated energy moving through.
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Promethium muriaticum Entire Proving Journal

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