Promethium muriaticum Entire Proving Journal

Promethium‐mur Journal 47
08/09:00 MIND 4 Everything almost un-cannily still as I wake this morning. Thinking about the probability of my boyfriend
moving in with me: do I really want his presence here all the time? Alone spaciousness is really important to
me. I lie here, imagining him being there, or not. And in the stillness I feel clearly the element of choice. I can
choose. I have the power to choose. Life needs to be chosen, deliberately embraced, and those choices can
change from moment to moment without it feeling like I am balloted by the wind. "We'll see" is not a spineless
refusal to commit, but the acknowledgement that what's "right" will reveal itself, might look like a wandering
path, but each bend is necessary and my job is to sense those bends and follow with open eyes. These thoughts
are not original even to me, but the feeling of empowerment, of the empty stage, just waiting for me/us to step
into it, is quite strong. Spacious, spacious atoms in the air. Waiting, available for the making of connections
that give the energy, the power, the living of life. Slow, almost imperceptible initiation of movement, thick like
molasses, flowing inexorably, gathering me up with it, and yet I am free, I have the power, my chest is open, I
take deep breaths in, I say "Yes." No need to resist, to struggle, to effort, and yet I am still "in control," still
able to choose MY wandering. The first time I see that efforting and control do not necessarily have to go
together.
08/09:00 MIND 4 Imagining going to my boyfriend's apartment today with his daughter there as well. It's the spaciousness, the
ability to feel he and I could share space in a way that gave us what we both cherish of "alone-ness" while
living together. That's what I feel the loss of. The love is there, the commitment is there, the choice of her
moving in is right, for this moment. But I fear, I mourn losing the spaciousness that is so vital to me and that
we were just discovering how to be in, together. Good clarity, yay.
08/17:00 MIND 4 bought a stuffed opossum at a tourism office on the road, and held it to my chest for the remaining 45 minutes
of my drive. Some sobbing, feeling that my chest, my heart hurts. I just loved hugging it to me, squeezing it
gently, playing with the long, curved tail. it felt very comforting. To my memory, I never had barely any
stuffed animals as a child, nor did I take them to bed with me or anything. I chose opossum because we proved
it earlier this year and I had a real heart-opening experience at that time. Unusual to happen upon a stuffed
opossum on my way to this new boyfriend's house. I have in fact never seen a stuffed opossum before. Its
shape, its appearance also seemed a bit nondescript, almost like an imaginary animal someone had invented. I
felt a real feeling of attachment, of yielding to its comfort, of needing it. Feeling alone, feeling loss,
things/people/relationships taken away from me, no longer the same as before. A Brazilian term: saudade.
Nostalgia for what is no more, for what had been so wonderful. I think of how opossums often die
unexpectedly, in traveling accidents, on the road. Taken away.
08/17:00 MIND 4 Was behind on running errands today, considering skipping a stop in to my mother's, then sensed I was getting
my priorities messed up and needed to make time for her. It was a lovely little visit and I think really made a
difference for her. Then I volunteered to go help her neighbor with something she lacked the strength to do, so
took that time, too. Priorities. Choosing. People. Staying open and available rather than shutting off, putting on
my blinders to not have to respond to others' needs.
09/18:00 MIND 4 Getting to a lot of things today. Odds and ends of lists, bits of paper I'm pulling together and getting organized.
Handling things, clarifying, not getting them DONE so much as on the calendar, in my awareness, in front of
me. On the bulletin board. And something about getting the wide view, the overall picture. A big bulleting
board. Post-its I can move around until they find the right place, the right organization or relationship with
other things, so they can be seen and get handled with greater ease.
09/22:00 MIND 4 Sitting outside on the deck, the temperature evokes evenings like somewhere else I used to live. I miss it. It is
gone forever, and yet I have it here, now.
10/00:00 MIND 4 I’m ok I guess, I'm up at boyfriends and his daughter is living here now which is feeling doable, not really a
problem.
10/00:00 MIND 4 Sitting here wondering how I feel, guess I’m feeling a bit floaty, not so much in limbo, like I was before
starting the proving, the passages like before, I feel more anchored in each place and my moments of what my
months are like, its more workable, like I can get my hands on it, there’s a feeling of temporary, like
everything is temporary, I think my awareness of everything temporary or potentially is stronger so.
10/00:00 MIND 4 So I don’t feel floaty, I don’t feel particularly grounded, I feel embodied and present, and I’m not needing to
nestle in when I was feeling in limbo, had feeling to nestle in, a feeling need nestle in ,settle in, it feels
different, not like I’m a temporary visitor from out of space, like I’m fully here I don’t need to be here.