The-Tibetan-Book-of-Living-and-Dying

HEART ADVICE ON HELPING THE DYING 181
Don't try to be too wise; don't always try to search for
something profound to say. You don't have to do or say anything
to make things better. Just be there as fully as you can.
And if you are feeling a lot of anxiety and fear, and don't
know what to do, admit that openly to the dying person and
ask his or her help. This honesty will bring you and the dying
person closer together, and help in opening up a freer communication.
Sometimes the dying know far better than we how
they can be helped, and we need to know how to draw on
their wisdom and let them give to us what they know. Cicely
Saunders has asked us to remind ourselves that, in being with
the dying, we are not the only givers. "Sooner or later all who
work with dying people know they are receiving more than
they are giving as they meet endurance, courage and often
humor. We need to say so .. ." 3 Acknowledging our recognition
of their courage can often inspire the dying person.
I find too that I have been helped by remembering one
thing: that the person in front of me dying is always, somewhere,
inherently good. Whatever rage or emotion arises,
however momentarily shocking or horrifying these may be,
focusing on that inner goodness will give you the control and
perspective you need to be as helpful as possible. Just as when
you quarrel with a good friend, you don't forget the best parts
of that person, do the same with the dying person: Don't
judge them by whatever emotions arise. This acceptance of
yours will release the dying person to be as uninhibited as he
or she needs to be. Treat the dying as if they were what they
are sometimes capable of being: open, loving, and generous.
On a deeper, spiritual level, I find it extremely helpful
always to remember the dying person has the true buddha
nature, whether he or she realizes it or not, and the potential
for complete enlightenment. As the dying come closer to
death, this possibility is in many ways even greater. So they
deserve even more care and respect.
TELLING THE TRUTH
People often ask me: "Should people be told they are
dying?" And I always reply: "Yes, as quietly, as kindly, as sensitively,
and as skillfully as possible." From my years of visiting
ill and dying patients, I agree with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who
has observed that: "Most, if not all, of the patients know anyway.
They sense it by the changed attention, by the new and
different approach that people take to them, by the lowering