The-Tibetan-Book-of-Living-and-Dying

316 THE TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING
month, and that all their unbearable feelings and fears, of
being unable to function as a human being any more, are normal.
Tell them that although it may take one year or two,
their grief will definitely reach an end and be transformed into
acceptance.
As Judy Tatelbaum says:
Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To work
through and complete grief means to face our feelings openly and
honestly, to express and release our feelings fully and to tolerate
and accept our feelings for however long it takes for the wound to
heal. We fear that once acknowledged grief will bowl us over. The
truth is that grief experienced does dissolve. Grief unexpressed is
grief that lasts indefinitely. 7
But so often, tragically, friends and family of the bereaved
expect them to be "back to normal" after a few months. This
only intensifies their bewilderment and isolation as their grief
continues, and sometimes even deepens.
In Tibet, as I've said, the whole community, friends and relatives,
would take part during the forty-nine days after the
death, and everyone was fully occupied in the activity of the
spiritual help being given to the dead person, with all the hundred
things there were to do. The bereaved would grieve, and
they would cry a little, as is only natural, and then when
everyone had left, the house would look empty. Yet in so
many subtle, heartwarming ways, the bustle and support of
those forty-nine days had helped them through a great part of
their mourning.
Facing loss alone in our society is very different. And all the
usual feelings of grief are magnified intensely in the case of a
sudden death, or a suicide. It reinforces the sense that the
bereaved are powerless in any way to help their loved one
who is gone. It is very important for survivors of sudden
death to go and see the body, otherwise it can be difficult to
realize that death has actually happened. If possible, people
should sit quietly by the body, to say what they need to,
express their love, and start to say goodbye.
If this is not possible, bring out a photo of the person who
has just died and begin the process of saying goodbye, completing
the relationship, and letting go. Encourage those who
have suffered the sudden death of a loved one to do this, and
it will help them to accept the new, searing reality of death.
Tell them too of these ways I've been describing of helping a