L E T T E R S

280began to diminish, but if I had enough good sense not to put myself forwardand to abstain more from talking to everybody as an apostle as my faithdemanded my beliefs accepted with the best faith in the world had too muchroot in my mind for me to be able to reject them suddenly. And that strugglebetween my feelings and my ideas, a struggle which was draining me andkilling me, lasted until the time a split occurred among the Saint Simonistheads and showed me all the emptiness of my beliefs and at the same timethrew me into an indefinable state of feeblemess and apathy. It seemed as if allcertitude, all activity, all will power were quite taken away from me. Thethought that my illusions which had just been dissipated also made me guiltyto my country by retaining me in London and Paris whereas I should havebeen fighting on the Vistula and they made me neglect (the loss to me of myfather and several persons in my family) my duty to you and others andincreased my unfortunate state. Fortunately, I took no part in the follies of Mr.Enfantin. A year after I left the St. Simonists and when the cause of Polandagain failed I could scarcely concentrate mentally and find again in myself thestrength to survive again. One of the frost uses I am making of my newstrength is to write you, my dear Mr. Burgaud.That’s the whole history of the past two years and at the same time thesole reason for my indolence and negligence with regard to you. Please believeme. (Your [?] and leave there that past whose memory alone is painful to me;if I didn’t have to answer your supposition of indifference. No, my dearfriend). As I was not entirely indifferent to my fatherland in spite of the fact Ididn’t fight in the last war for its independence. I was never indifferent to you.I was guilty of neglecting people because of a great moral sickness whichcaused me much anguish as I just mentioned to you, you will pardon me. Ithank you, and I promise you not to give you any more reason to doubt of myattachment.As for the suspicion that you dreamed up one night, I can happilyannounce to you something quite opposite which will confirm what you said to