L E T T E R S

527Letter Nr. 129[To Caesar Plater]Nevers, April 16, 1838O Lord, have mercy on me a sinner!Dear M. Caesar, my dearest brother and benefactor in Christ the Lord! It ismore than a month since I finally began this letter and wrote what precedes it.That was about the 10 th or the 15 th of March. But, once again I was beset by a kindof weakness; a kind of physical and moral languor fell upon me. And thinkingeach day, and wishing each day to continue writing to you, M. Caesar, I did nothave strength enough to set down one single word! I cannot express or describethis unfortunate state, in which I was apparently still am, a state which Iexperienced, at least in part on previous occasions, since I myself cannotunderstand it.It comes upon me as a feeling of great fatigue, discontent with myself,considering myself incapable of any activity, and considering all activity asuseless. I feel a desire, a passion that engulfs my whole soul: a desire for penance,for tearing myself away from the world completely, breaking all relationships,going off alone to live a more severe life in prayer and mortification. It involves adelight in contemplation of spiritual things and a constant examination ofconscience concerning my past life. This is accompanied by a sense of weaknessthroughout the body, incapacity for any movement, a lack of desire even to speak(and, at the same time, a lack of resistance to the demands of others as to themanner of passing the time) x .O Great God! Mercy! Mercy! M. Caesar, mercy! The first part of my lettershould convince M. Caesar that I had the intention to write a detailed report. Andthere is till very, very much for me to write: about Rome, about the emigration,and about a variety of individual matters. But, unfortunately, I cannot accomplishon this occasion what I proposed to do. I must limit myself to a simple dictation ofthe most important matters. But necessarily, having sat down and begun so