L E T T E R S

388Letter Nr. 78Mortagne, June 29, 1839Dear Gracious and Honorable Ladislaus!My departure for La Trappe came up suddenly; I snatched at the firstopportunity, even to the neglect of all proprietes. Therefore, it was not as it shouldhave been. This was due to a state of general exhaustion and spiritual suffering inwhich I found myself at the time, as well as to an intense desire of extricatingmyself from this condition - a desire so intense, that every consideration of humanrelations feel before it. As a result I seemed to lack the strength and the will toaccomplish what was expected of me before my departure.Further, every journey involves one in explanations of where and why, inresponses to questions, which, in view of my preoccupations and suffering at thetime, I was absolutely incapable of facing. Besides, I felt that such action on mypart would be to no purpose. Moreover, I feared that to do so would delay mydeparture ever so briefly; but even a short delay might provide the occasion for aneven longer delay, as has often happened before.‖Quoiqu’il en soit‖, this does not excuse the transgressions of which Ibecame guilty, in particular, with reference to Mr. Ladislaus with whom I havebeen in contact so frequently of late. Immediately upon my arrival at La Trappe (Isay this most sincerely and most solemnly), I felt that I must apologize to him forneglecting to stop by before my departure.I meant to write a letter for this purpose immediately. If I did not writeimmediately, it was only because I was convinced that, just as my relationship andspiritual oneness with Caesar transcended, thank God, all such trifles, so alsoYour Honor’s gracious and friendly attitude toward me and our undertaking restson something more stable than conventions, and cannot be shaken by any failureto observe these.Therefore, I was always sure that even if I should postpone my apologiesuntil my return, they would be received with equal graciousness. However, I doadmit that from the conventional point of view, this delay with an apology