Articles Book III - Pg 300-560 (Birthparents) - triadoption

1 rcmcmhr whcn 1 slancd tho
papers rcilnquinhln~ her (whlch
beomnl tho best solution since I wnn
unmarried, tho fntl~cr wnan't) bow
hungrlly 1 bcggcd for lnformntlon
nbout tho klnd of homo tny dnugh.
Icr wna going to. "Profcasionnl peoplc"
was tho reply.
"Whnt klnd?" I wnntcd to know.
"Tho fnthor could be n doctor or
Inwycr, the mother n nurse or n
tencher!'
"Whlchl" I nskccl.
"I cnn't tell yoa," she snid. "nut
rcmcmber, Limo hcnls all wounds."
Not this one.
I hnvo some lt~formntlon. 1 know
she wns horn nt 1 :23 r.bl. on n fino
aprlng dny, thnt she cvelgbed four
pounds, four ounces, nnd anent the
first nevernl dnya of her llfo in an
incuhntor.
Thnt mny not sound llko much,
but n few fncta ore nil I hnve.
And so I listen to the stories of
ndoptees. I'vo tnlkcd to n hundred
or so. I'vo rend tho studlcs in tho
paychologlcnl jnurnnls, perused the
books, interviewed tho reacnrchers.
I've cnllcd long distnnco to Lon Angcles
nnd Cednrcdgc, Colorndo,
wharo reaenrch--or scnrch-projects
nre undcrwny. Whnt emcrgcs
Is the concept thnt ndoptcea, whethcr
or not thclr ndoptlvc hon~es urc
hnppy nnd loving, ain~ply hnvo n
bnslc need to know tholr roots nnd
the story of their birth, And whether
the story is pretty or not, tho reunion
joyful or strnined, it nt lcnst
nnscvcra tho questions. From there
they cnn bcgln to mnke pcnco with.
in themselves, to build n lifo thnt la
uniquely thcirs, thnt shows them
how. nnd tvhcro they fit into the
timiless cycle 01 life.
Whnt do I heor nlong tho 1vny7
Paychintrists any thnt ndoptcos
hnvc special identity problen~s nnd
hnvo moro frcc-floating nnxicty
thnn tho rest of us. Tho hcnd of
n hfnnhnttnn drug rchnbllitntion
conker for youths cinims thnt n
dlsproportionnto number of hcr pnticnb
nrc ndoptcd. One soclnl worker-ndoptod
hcraolf--connects nlcohollsm
nnd ndoptlon In her
mnster's thesis. A psychologist ten.
tlfiea thnt tbo 40-yenr-old ivomnn
petitioni~~g tho court for hor rccorda
draw n treo without roots when
he tcstcd her. Tllo president of one
of tho ndoptcca' rigl~ta orgnnlzntlons
obscrvca nn nbnorn~nily high
parcontnac of hornosexunls nt the
nlcctiags. I cntnlog nll this In
rnndom apnces 01 my mlnd, n
compendium of lnfor~nntlon usoful
perhalls only to nle nn~l n few mil.
lion others; my nlstera are the fivc
mllilon nnturnl n~others nnd thcir
five miillon chlldrcn nnil tho sotnewhnt
smnllcr nutnhor 01 fnthors
who are nwnro they nrc lnthcrs.
Then of course, there nro tho pnr.
cnts who hnvo cnrcd for thcao chil-
,
dron. And I think nnd wondor about ,
my dnughtar:
Is she fins? 11 the doing tueli in
rchoolf
Yestcrdny evcnlng I held in my
hnnda for tho first time tho honpltnl
recorrls of my prcgnnncy nnd
dnughtcr's blrth. I lcnrned thnt my
prcmnturn dnughtcr'n cry wnn
wcnk, her skln tone jnt~r~rliced, her
tempernturo unstnble for tho first
week, thnt she lost wefght before
811s stnrted gnining. And then I re.
cnll rcndlng n nowepnper colun~n
eolno monthn ngo nlrout how lnfnnb
In incuhntors fnro hattor whcn their
mothers nre nllowcd to spend time
with them, cven though n plnstlc
box sepnrntca them; to be thcro
when thcy open thclr eyes, to coo
nnd tnlk to them nnd slmply nct
loving.
I ccar not there. Men nrlpn, mcu
culpn. '
A chance comment, n ncwspnpcr
column, tho lorsytl~ln bloomlng
when sho wns born-nll of thcsc
burrow into n memory thnt docs not
qult. Tho signing of n pnpcr may
hnvc nullined any lcgnl rcaponsibilltien,
but thnt nct cnnnut nuliifx
my feelings.
Tho senrch for origins usunlly
boginn in ndolesce~~ce, whcn any
child trica to eatnblish nn idcntlty
of his own. It la comnron for mnny
adolescents to imngino thnt they
nro ndoptcd-their renl pnrents arc
certnlnly more exotic or wonderful
thnn those rnthor ordinnry peoplc
in the home-but lor most, illusio~t
In rcplnced by rcnlity. Soclologlnts
inform me thnt for my daughter,
the missing informntlon becomes n
pcrsonnlity lr~~ilding lrlock tllnt aimply
isn't there. So tilo ncnrch-or
flxntlon with fnntnsy-bcgins ns
she tries to lntcgrnto her nnturnl
pnrcnts Into n rcfcrenco of whom
she is: n person with n hcritnge
nnd n post belonging solely to her.
And when thnt knovrlcdgo is not
l~~rthcoming, sho in llkcly to experi-
.nco n dimculty in intcgrnting hcr
personality--or nuch intcgrntion
mny bo precnrlous nnd llkely to
cailnpae.under atreas, sccordlng to
John Triscllotls, author of In
Search o/ Origins. Mnny ndoptece
mnintnin thnt full nnd complcta
knowledge of tholr nrst pnrcnta
would hnve helped them to undcrntnnd
thcmaclven and other pcol~lc
better and possibly foreatnll thcir
sulrsequent prcoccupntlon with tho
first act 01 pnrenta.
Tho Amorlcnn Acncfemy of Pedintrics
dlscusnc~l tho nnnlc question
in n lrosition pnllcr five ycltrs ngo,
r~uting tl~nt "Dctcrt~~inlt~g l~lcntity
Is n ~llfflcult proccsn lor aomconc
brought up lry 111s nnturnl pnrcnb:
It la morn complex lor tho l11d1.
vidunl whono nnccstry la unknown
to hlm."
It in ~cnernlly ncce~~lcrf thnt n
ntrona ncnso of self in pnrnlno~lt~t
to the ticvolopt~~ct~t of n strong IIIIII
functlonlng lndlvidunl. Erik Erikson
hnn devoted much 01 hls llfu to
cxpiorlng thin theme; Ilc vcrbnlizca
tho need to understnn~l ono's 1110-
logicnl lrnckjiround. Erlknon himself
wnn ndopted, hut wns, ncvcr
nblc to locnto lsla fnthor.
Ynlc psychinlrlat nnd 11uthor
Robert Jny Liltan comn~rnln thnt It
Is critlcnl thnt the sppclfic cnnncc.
tion-tho nctunl i~nmcs-be revcnlcd
to tl~a ndoptee. "If tho
ndoptec ncver finds 111s or her pnrents-or,
nt the vnry lcnat, thclr
nnmcs-hc or she gocs through life
with an lnnl~lllty to devclop intfn~ncy,
which cnn sprend to otl~cr
relntlonshlps!' Lifton is mnrrled to
on ndoptee.
nut the rescnrchcra often nnd
thnt tho ndoptcc Is reluctnr~t to
shnrc 111s questions ~lth 111s pnrcnts:
will they thlnk I nm rcjcctln~
them, tho ndolcsccnt wonders, nnd,
if thnt is tho cnne, will tiley ther~
reject rile? And so be or she wnits
[or the ndoptive pnrcnls to III~CII~R
tho n~nttcr; tho nrloptlvc pnrct~ts. -
h
often besct with thcir own fcnrs D
thnt they will "ionc" their cl~il~l,
-,
usunlly prcfer tn llclieve thnt the d
chlld's sllenco menns dinintcreat. a
.+, 0
Psychologists xvho work with
ndoptcd chlldrcn bcllcvc otherwise. 6
"Wc nlust nssumc thnt every
ndoptctl child is in senrch of nsdlllc
the renl mother;' snys Dr. Zcllig
Bnch, n school psycholofiist In thc
New York nrcn. "I would qucstlot~
somcono who wnsn't curious. Thcrc
nrc few things in this world tint
nrc not interchnngenble, nnd tl~ls is
ono of them. Evcry hun~nn being -
hns n mother nnd n fnther, nnd It la
nnturnl to wnnt to know who they h"
nre."
As fnr nn one cnn doterntine, otlly
in Finlnnd arc ndolcsccnls nblc to
rcceivc inlormntlon nbout their origins,
cven including the nnmo of tilo
n~otl~cr nnd fnther. The mnin ndoption
ngency thcra, whlch plnccs
fewer thnn 300 chlldrcr~ n yenr, provi~lca
ndol~tces of nny age with
bnckground inlormntinn nbout tl~eir
trlologicnl pnrcnta. Often, the ndop.
Llve innrent vlslts tho ngellcy with
the child. .Tho long.tlme ~llrector
of tho ngency reports thnt thc
sorvicc sccnla to hnvc hccn 01 Infinits
benent to tho uacrs withnut
dnmnga to tho other partics illvnlved-tho
ndoptive pnrcr~ta nnd
thu nnturnl pnrenta.