Three Men in a Boat / Three Men on the Bummel
Three Men in a Boat / Three Men on the Bummel
Three Men in a Boat / Three Men on the Bummel
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— 253 —<br />
<strong>the</strong>n, when by this means friendship and understand<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g had<br />
been established, you slid naturally and gracefully <str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>to <strong>the</strong> immediate<br />
object of your com<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g, namely, your desire for boots,<br />
“cheap and good.” This gross, material man cared, apparently,<br />
noth<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g for <strong>the</strong> niceties of retail deal<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g. It was necessary with<br />
such an <strong>on</strong>e to come to bus<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>ess with brutal directness. George<br />
aband<strong>on</strong>ed “Mr. X,” and turn<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g back to a previous page, took<br />
a sentence at random. It was not a happy selecti<strong>on</strong>; it was a<br />
speech that would have been superfluous made to any bootmaker.<br />
Under <strong>the</strong> present circumstances, threatened and stifled<br />
as we were <strong>on</strong> every side by boots, it possessed <strong>the</strong> dignity<br />
of positive imbecilitiy. It ran: — “One has told me that you have<br />
here boots for sale.”<br />
For <strong>the</strong> first time <strong>the</strong> man put down his hammer and chisel,<br />
and looked at us. He spoke slowly, <str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g> a thick and husky voice.<br />
He said:<br />
“What d’ye th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k I keep boots for — to smell ’em?”<br />
He was <strong>on</strong>e of those men that beg<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g> quietly and grow more<br />
angry as <strong>the</strong>y proceed, <strong>the</strong>ir wr<strong>on</strong>gs apparently work<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g with<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g><br />
<strong>the</strong>m like yeast.<br />
“What d’ye th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k I am,” he c<strong>on</strong>t<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>ued, “a boot collector?<br />
What d’ye th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k I’m runn<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g this shop for — my health? D’ye<br />
th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k I love <strong>the</strong> boots, and can’t bear to part with a pair? D’ye<br />
th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k I hang ’em about here to look at ’em? A<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>’t <strong>the</strong>re enough<br />
of ’em? Where d’ye th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k you are — <str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g> an <str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>ternati<strong>on</strong>al exhibiti<strong>on</strong><br />
of boots? What d’ye th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k <strong>the</strong>se boots are — a historical<br />
collecti<strong>on</strong>? Did you ever hear of a man keep<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g a boot shop<br />
and not sell<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g boots? D’ye th<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>k I decorate <strong>the</strong> shop with<br />
’em to make it look pretty? What d’ye take me for — a prize<br />
idiot?”<br />
I have always ma<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>ta<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>ed that <strong>the</strong>se c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong> books<br />
are never of any real use. What we wanted was some English<br />
equivalent for <strong>the</strong> well-known German idiom: “Behalten Sie<br />
Ihr Haar auf.”<br />
Noth<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g of <strong>the</strong> sort was to be found <str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>the</strong> book from beg<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>n<str<strong>on</strong>g>in</str<strong>on</strong>g>g<br />
to end. However, I will do George <strong>the</strong> credit to admit he