Three Men in a Boat / Three Men on the Bummel

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— 368 — In the centre, fac<strong>in</strong>g one another, stand the combatants, resembl<strong>in</strong>g Japanese warriors, as made familiar to us by the Japanese tea-tray. Qua<strong>in</strong>t and rigid, with their goggle-covered eyes, their necks tied up <strong>in</strong> comforters, their bodies smothered <strong>in</strong> what looks like dirty bed quilts, their padded arms stretched straight above their heads, they might be a pair of unga<strong>in</strong>ly clockwork figures. The seconds, also more or less padded — their heads and faces protected by huge leather-peaked caps, — drag them out <strong>in</strong>to their proper position. One almost listens to hear the sound of the castors. The umpire takes his place, the word is given, and immediately there follow five rapid clashes of the long straight swords. There is no <strong>in</strong>terest <strong>in</strong> watch<strong>in</strong>g the fight: there is no movement, no skill, no grace (I am speak<strong>in</strong>g of my own impressions.) The strongest man w<strong>in</strong>s; the man who, with his heavily-padded arm, always <strong>in</strong> an unnatural position, can hold his huge clumsy sword longest without grow<strong>in</strong>g too weak to be able either to guard or to strike. The whole <strong>in</strong>terest is centred <strong>in</strong> watch<strong>in</strong>g the wounds. They come always <strong>in</strong> one of two places — on the top of the head or the left side of the face. Sometimes a portion of hairy scalp or section of cheek flies up <strong>in</strong>to the air, to be carefully preserved <strong>in</strong> an envelope by its proud possessor, or, strictly speak<strong>in</strong>g, its proud former possessor, and shown round on convivial even<strong>in</strong>gs; and from every wound, of course, flows a plentiful stream of blood. It splashes doctors, seconds, and spectators; it spr<strong>in</strong>kles ceil<strong>in</strong>g and walls; it saturates the fighters, and makes pools for itself <strong>in</strong> the sawdust. At the end of each round the doctors rush up, and with hands already dripp<strong>in</strong>g with blood press together the gap<strong>in</strong>g wounds, dabb<strong>in</strong>g them with little balls of wet cotton wool, which an attendant carries ready on a plate. Naturally, the moment the men stand up aga<strong>in</strong> and commence work, the blood gushes out aga<strong>in</strong>, half bl<strong>in</strong>d<strong>in</strong>g them, and render<strong>in</strong>g the ground beneath them slippery. Now and then you see a man’s teeth laid bare almost to the ear, so that for the rest of the duel he appears to be gr<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g at one half
— 369 — of the spectators, his other side, rema<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g serious; and sometimes a man’s nose gets slit, which gives to him as he fights a s<strong>in</strong>gularly supercilious air. As the object of each student is to go away from the University bear<strong>in</strong>g as many scars as possible, I doubt if any particular pa<strong>in</strong>s are taken to guard, even to the small extent such method of fight<strong>in</strong>g can allow. The real victor is he who comes out with the greatest number of wounds; he who then, stitched and patched almost to unrecognition as a human be<strong>in</strong>g, can promenade for the next month, the envy of the German youth, the admiration of the German maiden. He who obta<strong>in</strong>s only a few unimportant wounds retires sulky and disappo<strong>in</strong>ted. But the actual fight<strong>in</strong>g is only the beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g of the fun. The second act of the spectacle takes place <strong>in</strong> the dress<strong>in</strong>g-room. The doctors are generally mere medical students — young fellows who, hav<strong>in</strong>g taken their degree, are anxious for practice. Truth compels me to say that those with whom I came <strong>in</strong> contact were coarse-look<strong>in</strong>g men who seemed rather to relish their work. Perhaps they are not to be blamed for this. It is part of the system that as much further punishment as possible must be <strong>in</strong>flicted by the doctor, and the ideal medical man might hardly care for such job. How the student bears the dress<strong>in</strong>g of his wounds is as important as how he receives them. Every operation has to be performed as brutally as may be, and his companions carefully watch him dur<strong>in</strong>g the process to see that he goes through it with an appearance of peace and enjoyment. A clean-cut wound that gapes wide is most desired by all parties. On purpose it is sewn up clumsily, with the hope that by this means the scar will last a lifetime. Such a wound, judiciously mauled and <strong>in</strong>terfered with dur<strong>in</strong>g the week afterwards, can generally be reckoned on to secure its fortunate possessor a wife with a dowry of five figures at the least. These are the general bi-weekly <strong>Men</strong>surs, of which the average student fights some dozen a year. There are others to which visitors are not admitted. When a student is considered to have disgraced himself by some slight <strong>in</strong>voluntary move-
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Jerome K. Jerome Three</str
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PUBLISHER’S ADVERTISEMENT. IT may
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dle. Bad art may succeed for a time
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CHAPTER I. Three I
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— 11 — It had stopped beat<stro
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— 13 — make me feel more anxiou
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— 15 — I am told; and was event
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— 17 — boat-loads of them; but
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— 19 — CHAPTER II. Plans discus
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— 21 — deep below the wav<stron
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— 23 — comes, however, and all
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— 25 — with a slice of lemon, w
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— 27 — And then he would lift u
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— 29 — blow, the nail would go
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— 31 — whether you have ever se
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— 33 — position or in</
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— 35 — At the end of that trip
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— 37 — little thin</str
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— 39 — rid of them. He threw th
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— 41 — “Ain
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— 43 — “Stand still, can’t
Page 45 and 46:
— 45 — CHAPTER V. Mrs. P. arous
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— 47 — fatalities, and the weat
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— 49 — longed spell of grand we
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— 51 — that Biggs’s boy (for
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— 53 — should all know when we
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— 55 — had two of Scotch cold h
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— 57 — be that of the average h
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— 59 — only the dug-up commonpl
Page 61 and 62:
— 61 — Harris, however, said he
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— 63 — on until, at last, they
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— 65 — CHAPTER VII. The river <
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— 67 — worn in
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— 69 — down on your — I mean
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— 71 — about, makin</st
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— 73 — of the river, and was ev
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— 75 — by slouchin</str
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— 77 — then try and make it up
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— 79 — GENERAL CHORUS: ‘And h
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— 81 — and, as the two young me
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— 83 — of five min</str
Page 85 and 86:
— 85 — Montmorency set up a fur
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— 87 — not. There may be tow-l<
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— 89 — or his hat has dropped <
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— 91 — did it, and the boat rus
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— 93 — twenty min</stro
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— 95 — tion; and then we both w
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— 97 — CHAPTER X. Our first nig
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— 99 — at Harris, began to stru
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— 101 — and deep, and tender; s
Page 103 and 104:
— 103 — “What’s the matter,
Page 105 and 106:
— 105 — Sometimes, our pa<stron
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— 107 — CHAPTER XI. How George,
Page 109 and 110:
— 109 — George listened, and a
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— 111 — ing ba
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— 113 — the eggs that had not s
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— 115 — and there false John’
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— 117 — it been a Richard there
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— 119 — drawin
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— 121 — King
Page 123 and 124:
— 123 — But Harris, who is an o
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— 125 — joy that he fai
Page 127 and 128:
— 127 — It was George’s straw
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— 129 — three fishermen sat; an
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— 131 — CHAPTER XIII. Marlow.
Page 133 and 134:
— 133 — around them — the sof
Page 135 and 136:
— 135 — among themselves, and f
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— 137 — of mutton from the hote
Page 139 and 140:
— 139 — and George would sit do
Page 141 and 142:
— 141 — We tried river water on
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— 143 — scendin</strong
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— 145 — river, bein</st
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— 147 — which he evidently wish
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— 149 — ing?
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— 151 — get more and more piano
Page 153 and 154:
— 153 — We could not pass the w
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— 155 — by “whisky,” or wha
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— 157 — in my
Page 159 and 160:
— 159 — “No — no; don’t e
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— 161 — prompt and graceful met
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— 163 — crowded with nobility a
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— 165 — spare pole with us. I c
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— 167 — from behin</str
Page 169 and 170:
— 169 — adoptin</strong
Page 171 and 172:
— 171 — be contin</stro
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— 173 — its dusky robe upon the
Page 175 and 176:
— 175 — The Angler’s Guide to
Page 177 and 178:
— 177 — “Oh, no; not now, sir
Page 179 and 180:
— 179 — “Ah!” said the old
Page 181 and 182:
— 181 — He said that br
Page 183 and 184:
— 183 — common practice up the
Page 185 and 186:
— 185 — There was a good deal o
Page 187 and 188:
— 187 — and in
Page 189 and 190:
— 189 — CHAPTER XIX. Oxford.
Page 191 and 192:
— 191 — not to be afraid, but t
Page 193 and 194:
— 193 — George took the fun mor
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— 195 — pression, unable to bea
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— 197 — lookin
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THREE MEN ON THE BUMMEL
Page 202 and 203:
— 202 — George would make. A ba
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— 204 — and false-hearted enoug
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— 206 — to agree with him, —
Page 208 and 209:
— 208 — with Ethelbertha by my
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— 210 — you might call it dull.
Page 212 and 213:
— 212 — had the satisfaction of
Page 214 and 215:
— 214 — CHAPTER II A delicate b
Page 216 and 217:
— 216 — I wonder sometimes whet
Page 218 and 219:
— 218 — Do you thin</st
Page 220 and 221:
— 220 — “She’s goin
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— 222 — not goin</stron
Page 224 and 225:
— 224 — In this way he sped mer
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— 226 — on? Very well, put it d
Page 228 and 229:
— 228 — every fool has thought
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— 230 — rut it nipped you; it w
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— 232 — where, and out rolled a
Page 234 and 235:
— 234 — It was the first th<str
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— 236 — isn’t; it’s a quest
Page 238 and 239:
— 238 — lers. It commenced “O
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— 240 — CHAPTER IV Why Harris c
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— 242 — “Oh!” it says, “w
Page 244 and 245:
— 244 — Harris’s new wheel. E
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— 246 — socks, it comes at you
Page 248 and 249:
— 248 — and reflectin</
Page 250 and 251:
— 250 — He would open his bag t
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— 252 — Taking
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— 254 — chose the very best sen
Page 256 and 257:
— 256 — CHAPTER V A necessary d
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— 258 — wish here conscientious
Page 260 and 261:
— 260 — We gave them hi
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— 262 — concernin</stro
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— 264 — route between London an
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— 266 — the camera for us, have
Page 268 and 269:
— 268 — “Because the sun coul
Page 270 and 271:
— 270 — I have dwelt upon this
Page 272 and 273:
— 272 — “I am glad of that. A
Page 274 and 275:
— 274 — is not our way, and the
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— 276 — regards him as an anima
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— 278 — utes water a stretch of
Page 280 and 281:
— 280 — among them proceeded to
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— 282 — sleigh — do not pract
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— 284 — he turned his attention
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— 286 — in pub
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— 288 — and bench at which he c
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— 290 — The chief scandal of Dr
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— 292 — some cushions for sale.
Page 294 and 295:
— 294 — “‘I have said it th
Page 296 and 297:
— 296 — CHAPTER VIII Mr. and Mi
Page 298 and 299:
— 298 — else in</strong
Page 300 and 301:
— 300 — Brahe, the astronomer,
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— 302 — his mouth, and tear his
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— 304 — only remember that <str
Page 306 and 307:
— 306 — He stood there with his
Page 308 and 309:
— 308 — George and I followed s
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— 310 — CHAPTER IX Harris break
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— 312 — “Whose is it?” he a
Page 314 and 315:
— 314 — (George says he did not
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— 316 — horse was tired, and th
Page 318 and 319: — 318 — to do, but must not: he
Page 320 and 321: — 320 — He ignored my offer. He
Page 322 and 323: — 322 — could speak English and
Page 324 and 325: — 324 — lice could not do bette
Page 326 and 327: — 326 — CHAPTER X Baden from th
Page 328 and 329: — 328 — But at four o’clock <
Page 330 and 331: — 330 — contin
Page 332 and 333: — 332 — And the sun is always s
Page 334 and 335: — 334 — idleness! How would you
Page 336 and 337: — 336 — way? It’s disgraceful
Page 338 and 339: — 338 — CHAPTER XI Black Forest
Page 340 and 341: — 340 — stables, and wake up a
Page 342 and 343: — 342 — “Don’t you th<stron
Page 344 and 345: — 344 — upon it was due north o
Page 346 and 347: — 346 — had origin</str
Page 348 and 349: — 348 — unadorned truth, when I
Page 350 and 351: — 350 — favoured in</st
Page 352 and 353: — 352 — At a quarter to one, sa
Page 354 and 355: — 354 — of those fools that wil
Page 356 and 357: — 356 — was wasted. One felt so
Page 358 and 359: — 358 — drown him, but he never
Page 360 and 361: — 360 — “we had better make t
Page 362 and 363: — 362 — him comfortable. At sup
Page 364 and 365: — 364 — By spendin</str
Page 366 and 367: — 366 — Cockneys — but the pi
Page 370 and 371: — 370 — ment of the head or bod
Page 372 and 373: — 372 — drink<
Page 374 and 375: — 374 — his guest gets safely h
Page 376 and 377: — 376 — “It will be i
Page 378 and 379: — 378 — She pushed open the doo
Page 380 and 381: — 380 — CHAPTER XIV Which is se
Page 382 and 383: — 382 — in Ger
Page 384 and 385: — 384 — who will go anywhere, a
Page 386 and 387: — 386 — Possibly, he will have
Page 388 and 389: — 388 — “Why not?” she aske
Page 390 and 391: — 390 — a girl, she never under
Page 392: INHALT THREE MEN IN A BOAT . . . .
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Three Men in a Boat / Three Men on the Bummel

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