Three Men in a Boat / Three Men on the Bummel

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— 28 — We would f<strong>in</strong>d the hammer for him, and then he would have lost sight of the mark he had made on the wall, where the nail was to go <strong>in</strong>, and each of us had to get up on the chair, beside him, and see if we could f<strong>in</strong>d it; and we would each discover it <strong>in</strong> a different place, and he would call us all fools, one after another, and tell us to get down. And he would take the rule, and re-measure, and f<strong>in</strong>d that he wanted half thirty-one and three-eighths <strong>in</strong>ches from the corner, and would try to do it <strong>in</strong> his head, and go mad. And we would all try to do it <strong>in</strong> our heads, and all arrive at different results, and sneer at one another. And <strong>in</strong> the general row, the orig<strong>in</strong>al number would be forgotten, and Uncle Podger would have to measure it aga<strong>in</strong>. He would use a bit of str<strong>in</strong>g this time, and at the critical moment, when the old fool was lean<strong>in</strong>g over the chair at an angle of forty-five, and try<strong>in</strong>g to reach a po<strong>in</strong>t three <strong>in</strong>ches beyond what was possible for him to reach, the str<strong>in</strong>g would slip, and down he would slide on to the piano, a really f<strong>in</strong>e musical effect be<strong>in</strong>g produced by the suddenness with which his head and body struck all the notes at the same time. And Aunt Maria would say that she would not allow the children to stand round and hear such language. At last, Uncle Podger would get the spot fixed aga<strong>in</strong>, and put the po<strong>in</strong>t of the nail on it with his left hand, and take the hammer <strong>in</strong> his right hand. And, with the first blow, he would smash his thumb, and drop the hammer, with a yell, on somebody’s toes. Aunt Maria would mildly observe that, next time Uncle Podger was go<strong>in</strong>g to hammer a nail <strong>in</strong>to the wall, she hoped he’d let her know <strong>in</strong> time, so that she could make arrangements to go and spend a week with her mother while it was be<strong>in</strong>g done. “Oh! you women, you make such a fuss over everyth<strong>in</strong>g,” Uncle Podger would reply, pick<strong>in</strong>g himself up. “Why, I like do<strong>in</strong>g a little job of this sort.” And then he would have another try, and, at the second
— 29 — blow, the nail would go clean through the plaster, and half the hammer after it, and Uncle Podger be precipitated aga<strong>in</strong>st the wall with force nearly sufficient to flatten his nose. Then we had to f<strong>in</strong>d the rule and the str<strong>in</strong>g aga<strong>in</strong>, and a new hole was made; and, about midnight, the picture would be up — very crooked and <strong>in</strong>secure, the wall for yards round look<strong>in</strong>g as if it had been smoothed down with a rake, and everybody dead beat and wretched — except Uncle Podger. “There you are,” he would say, stepp<strong>in</strong>g heavily off the chair on to the charwoman’s corns, and survey<strong>in</strong>g the mess he had made with evident pride. “Why, some people would have had a man <strong>in</strong> to do a little th<strong>in</strong>g like that!” Harris will be just that sort of man when he grows up, I know, and I told him so. I said I could not permit him to take so much labour upon himself. I said: “No; you get the paper, and the pencil, and the catalogue, and George write down, and I’ll do the work.” The first list we made out had to be discarded. It was clear that the upper reaches of the Thames would not allow of the navigation of a boat sufficiently large to take the th<strong>in</strong>gs we had set down as <strong>in</strong>dispensable; so we tore the list up, and looked at one another! George said: “You know we are on a wrong track altogether. We must not th<strong>in</strong>k of the th<strong>in</strong>gs we could do with, but only of the th<strong>in</strong>gs that we can’t do without.” George comes out really quite sensible at times. You’d be surprised. I call that downright wisdom, not merely as regards the present case, but with reference to our trip up the river of life, generally. How many people, on that voyage, load up the boat till it is ever <strong>in</strong> danger of swamp<strong>in</strong>g with a store of foolish th<strong>in</strong>gs which they th<strong>in</strong>k essential to the pleasure and comfort of the trip, but which are really only useless lumber. How they pile the poor little craft mast-high with f<strong>in</strong>e clothes and big houses; with useless servants, and a host of swell friends that do not care twopence for them, and that
Page 1: Jerome K. Jerome Three</str
Page 4 and 5: PUBLISHER’S ADVERTISEMENT. IT may
Page 6 and 7: dle. Bad art may succeed for a time
Page 9 and 10: CHAPTER I. Three I
Page 11 and 12: — 11 — It had stopped beat<stro
Page 13 and 14: — 13 — make me feel more anxiou
Page 15 and 16: — 15 — I am told; and was event
Page 17 and 18: — 17 — boat-loads of them; but
Page 19 and 20: — 19 — CHAPTER II. Plans discus
Page 21 and 22: — 21 — deep below the wav<stron
Page 23 and 24: — 23 — comes, however, and all
Page 25 and 26: — 25 — with a slice of lemon, w
Page 27: — 27 — And then he would lift u
Page 31 and 32: — 31 — whether you have ever se
Page 33 and 34: — 33 — position or in</
Page 35 and 36: — 35 — At the end of that trip
Page 37 and 38: — 37 — little thin</str
Page 39 and 40: — 39 — rid of them. He threw th
Page 41 and 42: — 41 — “Ain
Page 43 and 44: — 43 — “Stand still, can’t
Page 45 and 46: — 45 — CHAPTER V. Mrs. P. arous
Page 47 and 48: — 47 — fatalities, and the weat
Page 49 and 50: — 49 — longed spell of grand we
Page 51 and 52: — 51 — that Biggs’s boy (for
Page 53 and 54: — 53 — should all know when we
Page 55 and 56: — 55 — had two of Scotch cold h
Page 57 and 58: — 57 — be that of the average h
Page 59 and 60: — 59 — only the dug-up commonpl
Page 61 and 62: — 61 — Harris, however, said he
Page 63 and 64: — 63 — on until, at last, they
Page 65 and 66: — 65 — CHAPTER VII. The river <
Page 67 and 68: — 67 — worn in
Page 69 and 70: — 69 — down on your — I mean
Page 71 and 72: — 71 — about, makin</st
Page 73 and 74: — 73 — of the river, and was ev
Page 75 and 76: — 75 — by slouchin</str
Page 77 and 78: — 77 — then try and make it up
Page 79 and 80:
— 79 — GENERAL CHORUS: ‘And h
Page 81 and 82:
— 81 — and, as the two young me
Page 83 and 84:
— 83 — of five min</str
Page 85 and 86:
— 85 — Montmorency set up a fur
Page 87 and 88:
— 87 — not. There may be tow-l<
Page 89 and 90:
— 89 — or his hat has dropped <
Page 91 and 92:
— 91 — did it, and the boat rus
Page 93 and 94:
— 93 — twenty min</stro
Page 95 and 96:
— 95 — tion; and then we both w
Page 97 and 98:
— 97 — CHAPTER X. Our first nig
Page 99 and 100:
— 99 — at Harris, began to stru
Page 101 and 102:
— 101 — and deep, and tender; s
Page 103 and 104:
— 103 — “What’s the matter,
Page 105 and 106:
— 105 — Sometimes, our pa<stron
Page 107 and 108:
— 107 — CHAPTER XI. How George,
Page 109 and 110:
— 109 — George listened, and a
Page 111 and 112:
— 111 — ing ba
Page 113 and 114:
— 113 — the eggs that had not s
Page 115 and 116:
— 115 — and there false John’
Page 117 and 118:
— 117 — it been a Richard there
Page 119 and 120:
— 119 — drawin
Page 121 and 122:
— 121 — King
Page 123 and 124:
— 123 — But Harris, who is an o
Page 125 and 126:
— 125 — joy that he fai
Page 127 and 128:
— 127 — It was George’s straw
Page 129 and 130:
— 129 — three fishermen sat; an
Page 131 and 132:
— 131 — CHAPTER XIII. Marlow.
Page 133 and 134:
— 133 — around them — the sof
Page 135 and 136:
— 135 — among themselves, and f
Page 137 and 138:
— 137 — of mutton from the hote
Page 139 and 140:
— 139 — and George would sit do
Page 141 and 142:
— 141 — We tried river water on
Page 143 and 144:
— 143 — scendin</strong
Page 145 and 146:
— 145 — river, bein</st
Page 147 and 148:
— 147 — which he evidently wish
Page 149 and 150:
— 149 — ing?
Page 151 and 152:
— 151 — get more and more piano
Page 153 and 154:
— 153 — We could not pass the w
Page 155 and 156:
— 155 — by “whisky,” or wha
Page 157 and 158:
— 157 — in my
Page 159 and 160:
— 159 — “No — no; don’t e
Page 161 and 162:
— 161 — prompt and graceful met
Page 163 and 164:
— 163 — crowded with nobility a
Page 165 and 166:
— 165 — spare pole with us. I c
Page 167 and 168:
— 167 — from behin</str
Page 169 and 170:
— 169 — adoptin</strong
Page 171 and 172:
— 171 — be contin</stro
Page 173 and 174:
— 173 — its dusky robe upon the
Page 175 and 176:
— 175 — The Angler’s Guide to
Page 177 and 178:
— 177 — “Oh, no; not now, sir
Page 179 and 180:
— 179 — “Ah!” said the old
Page 181 and 182:
— 181 — He said that br
Page 183 and 184:
— 183 — common practice up the
Page 185 and 186:
— 185 — There was a good deal o
Page 187 and 188:
— 187 — and in
Page 189 and 190:
— 189 — CHAPTER XIX. Oxford.
Page 191 and 192:
— 191 — not to be afraid, but t
Page 193 and 194:
— 193 — George took the fun mor
Page 195 and 196:
— 195 — pression, unable to bea
Page 197 and 198:
— 197 — lookin
Page 199:
THREE MEN ON THE BUMMEL
Page 202 and 203:
— 202 — George would make. A ba
Page 204 and 205:
— 204 — and false-hearted enoug
Page 206 and 207:
— 206 — to agree with him, —
Page 208 and 209:
— 208 — with Ethelbertha by my
Page 210 and 211:
— 210 — you might call it dull.
Page 212 and 213:
— 212 — had the satisfaction of
Page 214 and 215:
— 214 — CHAPTER II A delicate b
Page 216 and 217:
— 216 — I wonder sometimes whet
Page 218 and 219:
— 218 — Do you thin</st
Page 220 and 221:
— 220 — “She’s goin
Page 222 and 223:
— 222 — not goin</stron
Page 224 and 225:
— 224 — In this way he sped mer
Page 226 and 227:
— 226 — on? Very well, put it d
Page 228 and 229:
— 228 — every fool has thought
Page 230 and 231:
— 230 — rut it nipped you; it w
Page 232 and 233:
— 232 — where, and out rolled a
Page 234 and 235:
— 234 — It was the first th<str
Page 236 and 237:
— 236 — isn’t; it’s a quest
Page 238 and 239:
— 238 — lers. It commenced “O
Page 240 and 241:
— 240 — CHAPTER IV Why Harris c
Page 242 and 243:
— 242 — “Oh!” it says, “w
Page 244 and 245:
— 244 — Harris’s new wheel. E
Page 246 and 247:
— 246 — socks, it comes at you
Page 248 and 249:
— 248 — and reflectin</
Page 250 and 251:
— 250 — He would open his bag t
Page 252 and 253:
— 252 — Taking
Page 254 and 255:
— 254 — chose the very best sen
Page 256 and 257:
— 256 — CHAPTER V A necessary d
Page 258 and 259:
— 258 — wish here conscientious
Page 260 and 261:
— 260 — We gave them hi
Page 262 and 263:
— 262 — concernin</stro
Page 264 and 265:
— 264 — route between London an
Page 266 and 267:
— 266 — the camera for us, have
Page 268 and 269:
— 268 — “Because the sun coul
Page 270 and 271:
— 270 — I have dwelt upon this
Page 272 and 273:
— 272 — “I am glad of that. A
Page 274 and 275:
— 274 — is not our way, and the
Page 276 and 277:
— 276 — regards him as an anima
Page 278 and 279:
— 278 — utes water a stretch of
Page 280 and 281:
— 280 — among them proceeded to
Page 282 and 283:
— 282 — sleigh — do not pract
Page 284 and 285:
— 284 — he turned his attention
Page 286 and 287:
— 286 — in pub
Page 288 and 289:
— 288 — and bench at which he c
Page 290 and 291:
— 290 — The chief scandal of Dr
Page 292 and 293:
— 292 — some cushions for sale.
Page 294 and 295:
— 294 — “‘I have said it th
Page 296 and 297:
— 296 — CHAPTER VIII Mr. and Mi
Page 298 and 299:
— 298 — else in</strong
Page 300 and 301:
— 300 — Brahe, the astronomer,
Page 302 and 303:
— 302 — his mouth, and tear his
Page 304 and 305:
— 304 — only remember that <str
Page 306 and 307:
— 306 — He stood there with his
Page 308 and 309:
— 308 — George and I followed s
Page 310 and 311:
— 310 — CHAPTER IX Harris break
Page 312 and 313:
— 312 — “Whose is it?” he a
Page 314 and 315:
— 314 — (George says he did not
Page 316 and 317:
— 316 — horse was tired, and th
Page 318 and 319:
— 318 — to do, but must not: he
Page 320 and 321:
— 320 — He ignored my offer. He
Page 322 and 323:
— 322 — could speak English and
Page 324 and 325:
— 324 — lice could not do bette
Page 326 and 327:
— 326 — CHAPTER X Baden from th
Page 328 and 329:
— 328 — But at four o’clock <
Page 330 and 331:
— 330 — contin
Page 332 and 333:
— 332 — And the sun is always s
Page 334 and 335:
— 334 — idleness! How would you
Page 336 and 337:
— 336 — way? It’s disgraceful
Page 338 and 339:
— 338 — CHAPTER XI Black Forest
Page 340 and 341:
— 340 — stables, and wake up a
Page 342 and 343:
— 342 — “Don’t you th<stron
Page 344 and 345:
— 344 — upon it was due north o
Page 346 and 347:
— 346 — had origin</str
Page 348 and 349:
— 348 — unadorned truth, when I
Page 350 and 351:
— 350 — favoured in</st
Page 352 and 353:
— 352 — At a quarter to one, sa
Page 354 and 355:
— 354 — of those fools that wil
Page 356 and 357:
— 356 — was wasted. One felt so
Page 358 and 359:
— 358 — drown him, but he never
Page 360 and 361:
— 360 — “we had better make t
Page 362 and 363:
— 362 — him comfortable. At sup
Page 364 and 365:
— 364 — By spendin</str
Page 366 and 367:
— 366 — Cockneys — but the pi
Page 368 and 369:
— 368 — In the centre, fac<stro
Page 370 and 371:
— 370 — ment of the head or bod
Page 372 and 373:
— 372 — drink<
Page 374 and 375:
— 374 — his guest gets safely h
Page 376 and 377:
— 376 — “It will be i
Page 378 and 379:
— 378 — She pushed open the doo
Page 380 and 381:
— 380 — CHAPTER XIV Which is se
Page 382 and 383:
— 382 — in Ger
Page 384 and 385:
— 384 — who will go anywhere, a
Page 386 and 387:
— 386 — Possibly, he will have
Page 388 and 389:
— 388 — “Why not?” she aske
Page 390 and 391:
— 390 — a girl, she never under
Page 392:
INHALT THREE MEN IN A BOAT . . . .
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Three Men in a Boat / Three Men on the Bummel

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