Small Talk

70 . the fine art of small talk
per and sighs, “Dad, you’re not listening to me!” His dad
looks up and says, “Yes I am, son. You painted a picture
of the mountains, you scored a goal in the soccer game,
and you had pizza for lunch.” Nicholas, unappeased,
replies, “No, Dad. That’s not it. You’re not listening to
me with your eyes.”
Even though Nick’s dad clearly heard his son, Nick
felt minimized because he did not have his dad’s full attention.
He wanted more than a download of facts about
his day to his dad. He wanted to see his dad’s response.
He wanted to feel connected. He wanted his dad to be
invested in the story. He wanted validation while he was
telling his story.
Listening is more than just hearing. It’s a level of involvement
that goes beyond reciting the contents of the
conversation. Ray Birdwhistle, a pioneer in nonverbal
communication, estimated that in a normal two-person
conversation, verbal components carry less than 35 percent
of the social meaning of the situation, while nonverbal
components account for over 65 percent. It’s critical
to maintain eye contact when you are listening to another
person. Don’t look around at what others are
doing—stay focused on the conversation at hand. Add
nodding to your visual listening cues. This reinforces to