Konrad and Alexandra (PDF) - Rolf Gross

problems externally instead of suppressing them. To the dismay of my parents I was already very successful at this as achild."Dahl sighed. "If only we could all do that as well as you do, Alexandra!"One night Claudia visited Alexandra in her room asking her to teach her how to cope with her existential fears.All through the last few days Alexandra had watched her friend’s very quiet behavior in the presence of her father. Toretrieve Claudia’s latent emotional strength would be very difficult as long as she was under the influence of this man.Alexandra was not sure what to do and had hoped that the request Claudia had made when leaving St. Petersburg wouldgo away. But here she was."I will gladly teach you my meditation techniques—you have heard almost all I have to offer—but I am not sure how toresolve your emotional bind and free your creative powers. What do you feel holds you back?"Claudia folded her hands in her lap and looked down. "I cannot speak about my most intimate thoughts as easily as youcan or externalize my emotional problems as you said one should."Alexandra smiled at her encouragingly but kept quiet."I think it is my relationship with Niko. Niko is wonderfully considerate and tactful with me, but he is not a passionate man.I wish he would sweep me off my feet and instead he waits for me to do that for him. I am not good at that yet. MaybeNiko longs for Georgia and a Georgian woman."Alexandra could see well enough that Niko was feeling too comfortable in this house. Did he love Claudia’s mother morethan his wife? And his relationship with his professor was equally complacent."What are Niko’s plans for the future? Is he going to stay forever in Munich at Sommerfeld’s institute? In Georgia hewould simply fall asleep like most of the young men there. That is what happened in St. Petersburg years ago, and it iswhy I suggested that he go to Germany. Put the Georgian women out of your mind, that worry is entirely unproductive forhim and for you."Claudia rested her eyes on Alexandra. "He has had an offer from the university in Göttingen to ‘habilitate’ himself there,but has not done anything about it. Do you think it would be good for him to leave Munich?"Alexandra nodded. "I think it might be good for both of you. It would force him to stand on his own feet and take you bothout of this haven of maternal love and paternal domination. What would you like to do?"Claudia described her increasing fascination with psychological questions. She had seen that only a good psychologicalunderstanding on part of a physician made working with patients effective."I don’t think that I would ever become a good healer, maybe because of my fears, maybe because I am, like my father,more analytical than intuitively gifted. I don’t agree with you that you don’t need a special gift to become a healer.... But isit necessary that every physician be able to perform healings like you do? Would a good psychological understanding notbe enough to help most people? Besides, I am more interested in the scientific investigation of the functioning of ourbrain than in Gocha’s frightening, ‘magical’ methods."Ever since Claudia’s outbreak in St. Petersburg, Alexandra knew that she would not be able to teach Claudia hermethod. Still, she felt disappointed now. Claudia had been the witness of her newfound powers. Deep down, Alexandrahad hoped that she could help Claudia overcome her fears and teach her healing. Claudia could have become theperfect example for her theoretical understanding of her healing methods. Alexandra was certain that this could alsoresolve Claudia's blocked relationship with Niko. She had to admit defeat. Claudia was beyond her capabilities.For a moment doubt overtook her. Am I getting power-happy? Is megalomania overtaking me? Has my success inhealing made me over-confident? You cannot move everything in this world!She pushed her scruples aside. Let me try to do one thing at a time."I do think you should urge my brother to accept the position in Göttingen to strengthen his self-reliance and give him achance to work independently from Sommerfeld. And you should explore a combination of medicine and psychology.Maybe brain neurology would be an exciting field for you. All of this might help, but will it resolve the stalemate in yourmarriage?"Claudia avoided looking at Alexandra and shook her head. "The reasons for that lie deeper. Niko wants a child, and I amafraid of having one, the times are so uncertain. Will I be a good mother for the child? Giving birth frightens me."Claudia began to cry. Alexandra took her in her arms."You know, maybe, after all, meditating would do you some good, never mind healing other people. I have found that insuch times of confusion quieting your mind helps to give order to your thoughts and generates new ideas on how toovercome one’s fears. You could do breath-counting, but if you have a specific question, there is another, more pointedmethod.— After you have quieted your mind think of the question that occupies your thinking, for example ‘how could Ilove Niko better?’ It should be a positive question, negative questions lead to depression. Wait for a spontaneous imageto appear before your inner eye. It may seem completely irrelevant. Don’t dwell on this picture, remember it, discard it,and go back to your question, waiting for another picture to float up. It may seem even more distant than the first.Continue this exercise until you feel your spontaneous images become pale or your concentration leaves you. It is mostimportant that you don’t force anything, the exercise has to be completely spontaneous and fluid."186