Konrad and Alexandra (PDF) - Rolf Gross

chauffeur drop me at the station just as the train was about to leave, an old trick. Now we will be unobserved."She shook her head. "Where is this all leading to?"He shrugged. "Sometimes I take life as a challenge, at other times as a game, but for my parents the condition of ourexistence is demoralizing. Father is thinking of sending us all to the West, should the situation deteriorate any further. Heis determined to stay and help prevent the worst. Maybe I will tell you more when we are out there in the woods. Do tellme of your life in the past four years."Alexandra contemplated this welcome opportunity to clear her mind of the thoughts that had gone through her head sinceKonrad had left. Vladimir was an outsider in her marriage, but not an unsympathetic one, and he appeared to havematured in those four years."I am hesitant to burden you with my personal problems. It is not in good taste to talk to you about my marriage, but I dida lot of thinking about our life since Konrad left, and it may help me to speak my mind."He inclined his head and looked at her with understanding. "It was much harder to get your degree and keep Konrad andthe child happy than you had expected?""As you know, I am very strong willed. I wanted this professional education as a safeguard against bad times, to conquerthis city and my fears, and yes, to test my strength and intellectual capabilities.... Konrad supported me selflessly, but attimes it was very hard on him. For five years our only recreation was to go riding outside on the weekends. These rideskept our marriage in balance. But the long winters and the bad weather in the summer often prevented this healing of ourstrained relationship. The long darkness of this northern world proved most depressing. I come from a warm and sunnycountry."Her lively face clouded over. She had a fleeting doubt of telling him more, but then brushing her hand over her foreheadand continued. "During the summer after the child was born, my mother stayed with us. Her loving insight and herhysterical humor prevented many quarrels between us. She wanted to take the child and me to Georgia, but I refused. Inthat winter died our mutual promise to have an open house full of friends."She peered at Vladimir’s face looking for a sign of recognition. He had never been married, would he understand theseintimate tensions that surface under stress even in a great love?"Konrad had planned to spend the following year on sabbatical in Tiflis teaching and collecting plants in the mountains forthe institute. I finally gave in and let myself be persuaded to spend the winter with him, doing part of my clinical year atthe hospital in Tiflis. At first these were most happy months, my family, old friends, a strenuous expedition on horsebackto Tusheti. Konrad loves the easy, unstressed life of Tiflis, my family adores him. But as spring approached I becameincreasingly restless. Georgia was threatening to reclaim me."She looked out the window. Heavy clouds hung over the countryside. The train had passed the ugly industrial suburbs ofthe city and ran along the shore of the Finnish Gulf.A pained expression crossed her face. She returned to the depressing story of that spring a year ago. "We had a bitterargument. Konrad wanted me to stay, that I would finish my degree three months early was unimportant. His contractbound him to Tiflis until summer. I knew I had to leave Georgia or loose my spontaneity and my hard-earned freedom toact consciously. You are not Georgian and not a woman, maybe this is difficult for you to understand. The female powersof Georgia are pervasive."The train turned inland again, woods and fields flew by. Soon they would reach Lakhta. She sighed, still deeplydistressed. "I hate confrontations and attempts at burdening me with guilt. As long as I am clear-headed, I can avoidarguments, particularly with Konrad. But I was restless and deeply frustrated. I decided to leave Konrad. I left Otto in thecare of my mother and returned to St. Petersburg alone. It was like going into exile, all caused by my stubbornness."They had reached the small station. As they stood at the door waiting for the train to stop, Vladimir with his hand on thedoor’s lever, she unexpectedly gave him a kiss. "Thank you for not letting me down and accepting my ambiguousinvitation."The sun would no longer break through the clouds of the gray, overcast day, but the opposite coastline of the Bay ofKronstadt was in sharp relief, as it sometimes happens when the air is humid. They rode through stands of elms andwhite-stemmed birches that reached down to the very edge of the motionless, leaden sea. Occasionally the island ofKronstadt with its defense works was visible through the trees, and behind it the other shore near Petershof. The city ofSt. Petersburg to the south was marked by trails of smoke from its factories that went straight up into the sky where theyfanned out to form an extended, black cloud.They let their horses find the trail that wound back and forth through the trees following the rocky shore.Vladimir, begged her forgiveness, and asked sympathetically. "Did you go your own ways during that time?""No, having precipitated this separation, I felt so miserable, that I completely buried myself in my studies. I never workedso hard in my life. And Konrad is a faithful man, he saw I was deeply unhappy."She looked at him expectantly. "We both feel strongly, that each of us should have the freedom to grow—limited only byour great love. But we learned that in order to use this freedom, one has to be strong and happy and know that the otheris not suffering from one’s actions."She had recovered her spirits and smiled at him. "And that includes my riding alone with you through the woods of65