Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Our Representatives Abroad
Hivin,' says th' sicrety iv legation,' there ain't a
ball f'r a week,' he says.
'
Please keep ye'er face
away fr'm th' window, an' do throw away that pocket
comb,' he says.
" The first sicrety has th' divvle's own time f'r a
week or two. Ivry mornin' he spinds in tachin' th'
ambassadure an' his lady th' two-step an' th' wurruds
iv th' counthry indicatin' * How d'ye do.'
plazed to meet ye.'
' I'm
' It's a fine, big house ye have.'
'
I'll take a little more iv th' spinach,' an' so on.
Fin'lly he has it all right, an' th' first sicrety takes
him up to see th' king. As he enthers with a martial
sthride th' speech he prepared in Jersey City slips
his mind, he falls aisily on a rug into a settin' or
kneelin' posture, an' th' king mutters a few kindly
wurruds in th' language that th' ambassadure used
to shoot at whin he was in th' milishy, an' all is
over. Th' first sicrety carries him out, an' he goes
home an' finds his wife in hysterics fr'm thryin' to
explain her position in Cedar Rapids to a Rooshyn
princess through a Danish maid iv honor that wanst
lived in Scotland.
"
Afther a while he begins to apprecyate th' honors
iv his place. Th' king sinds him an invitation to peek
into th' rile gardens on public holidays, to speak at a
dinner iv th' Bus Dhrivers' Assocyation, an' to attind
anny fun'rals iv th' rile fam'ly. Th' first sicrety
gets him so he can weep ivry time th' name iv Shake-
speare is mintioned. Th' first sicrety
tells him that
he oughtn't to know too manny Americans, but that's
because th' first sicrety don't understhand his fellow-
counthrymen. Ivry mornin', whin th' ambassadure
opens his mail, expictin' a letther fr'm th' Prisidint
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