Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Dissertations by Mr* Dooley
in' on th' Imp'ror iv Germany? If they didn't like th'
weepins they'd have me permission to use axes. I'd
go further. I wudden't bar annybody fr'm fightin'
who wanted to fight. If annybody felt th' martial
spirit in time he wud have a chance to use it up. I'd
have armies composed on'y iv officers. It wud be
gr-reat. D'ye s'pose they'd iver get near enough to
each other to hurt? They'd complain that th'
throuble with th' long-distance guns was that they
cudden't be made distant enough. Supposin' Gin'ral
Kurypotkin had to do all th' fightin' f'r himsilf. It
wud be betther f'r him, because thin he cud ordher
an advance without bein' so crowded comin' back.
Supposin', to gratify his heeryoic spirit, he had to
ordher himsilf to carry a thrunk, a cook-stove, a
shovel, a pickaxe, an ikon, an' a wurrud iv good cheer
fr'm th' czar two hundherd miles over a clay road,
an' if he did it successfully an' didn't spill annything
he might hope to be punctured be a bayonet. An'
s'pose Gin'ral Oyama had to walk barefooted acrost
Manchuria an' subsist f'r four months be whettin' his
beak on a cuttle-fish bone. How soon, d'ye think,
there wud be a battle? War wud be wan continyous
manoover, with wan iv thim manooverin' west an' th'
other manooverin' east. They'd niver meet till years
afther th' gloryous sthruggle"
" They'll niver do it," said Mr. Hennessy. " There
have always been wars."
"
An' fools," said Mr. Dooley.
"But wudden't ye defind ye'er own fireside?"
"
I don't need to," said Mr.
"
Dooley. If I keep
on coal enough, me fireside
anny wan that invades it,"
will make it too hot f'r