Disserations by Mr. Dooley (1906) - Almanac of Theodore Roosevelt

Dissertations by Mr. Dooley
matther much. Th' American people ar-re all gettin'
to be Indyans again. Walkin' down to-day, I ob-
sarved twinty-two people who looked to me like
Indyans. Next week I intind to verify me conclusyons
be buyin' a picture iv an Indyan. But
I'm intirely convinced that in three or four years
at laste we'll all be livin' in wickey-ups an' scalpin'
each other. With these few remarks, let us in-
quirers fr knowledge go
out an' commit suicide
on th' futball field. Ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh ! Bazzyba-
zoo !"
" I like it, Hinnissy. What I like most about it
is that a colledge pro-fissor niver speaks fr'm im-
pulse. He thinks ivrything out thurly befure announcin'
his opinyon. Th' theery iv me larned frind
down in Rocky fellar's colledge that very soon ye'd
seen me r-rushin' down Archey Road with a tommy-,
hawk in me hand, thryin' to thrade off a pony f'r
a wife an' a wife f'r a bottle iv wood alcohol, didn't
leap out iv his gr-reat brain in a scandalous hurry.
He pondered it long an' carefully. Th' idee sthruck
him at breakfast while he was eatin' his prunes, an'
did not machure till he was half through with th'
ham an' eggs. So with Pro-fissor Windhaul. He
didn't land on Lincoln till he was sure iv his ground.
He first made inquiries, an' found out that there was
such a man. Thin he looked f'r his name among
th' graduates iv Harvard. Thin he bumped him.
It's a good thing Lincoln was dead befure he
was assaulted. He niver wud have survived th'
attack.
" It's a fine thing f'r th' young men who set at th'
feet iv these larned ducks. A little boy is chased away
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